Whatchagonnasay? or Getting the Slang of Relationships

Whatchagonnasay? or Getting the Slang of Relationships

KnowhatImsayin? Oh You will.

Today I Gotalittlewordy and FlirtedWithSomeWords.

Hi and Welcome to another journalentry or journal-type-entry or blog.

My blog has a specific purpose. It is for self helpers.

Years ago I started a meeting called S.I.S.T.E.R.S.

Self Improvement Studies To End Relationships Struggles















That book is out of print. It has however been renamed as Vivation: The Science Of Enjoying All Of Your Life. Rebirthing is a public use name and Vivation is registered. It is a type of breathing technique called circular breathing.

From a review of the book by “AlwaysLearning: ...it shares a philosophy of life that includes physical immortality, “integrating” instead of releasing negative belief patterns, and the “ecstasy principle”. My favorite quote is, “All statements are equally true because truth is a function of context. Everything is the way it is but ‘truth’ is how the mind thinks about it. Do not mistake truth for the thing itself.”

In another review by William Bagley he writes: The key of Rebirthing is the “five elements”. Only one of them is the breathing mechanics, the other ones are “awareness in detail”, “intentional relaxation”, “integration into ecstasy” (radical acceptance of all states which get stimulated up), and “doing whatever you do because everything works” (trusting intuition).

A lot of my self-help journey began with this book and one of Sondra Ray’s books called Loving Relationships. Both of these books contain a lot of information about affirmations. I started writing affirmations because the results are permanent. I mention in my Dear Ellen Diary that I heard someone say once that Practice Makes Permanent.

A trained thought is more powerful than an untrained thought. Raymond Charles Barker #108


Repetition is the mother of all learning. So writing affirmations everyday became part of my routine and my go to whenever I had a physical ailment. And the best book I have found for that is the Heal Your Body book by Louise Hay. She later made a short little film that I think you may be able to find on the web, maybe on YouTube. I watch YouTube everyday and for the past few days I have been here typing and I feel like I am missing out on my family.  (Because I haven’t been watching the YouTube channels I subscribe to).

All this writing and typing is making me wonder if I should get over my camera shyness and make videos.  Weird, I have no problem speaking in front of people, but sit me in front of a camera and I am like that Jiminy cricket who performs but only in front of that one person.  Is it Jiminy cricket?  Ya’ll know who I am talking about?

No, it is a frog with a top hat and cane that sings and dances.  That’s right.  Thank you Google. He was found  by a construction worker involved in the demolition of the “J.C. Wilber Building”.  He had pried off the top of the cornerstone and found a metal box within.  He opens the box and the frog performs a musical number right there on the spot and the construction worker see an opportunity to make some cash.

Oh.  My.  Gosh.  What a story.  The frog will not perform in front of others no matter what the guys tries to do to get him to.   Making a long story short, the guy ends up destitute and living on a park bench with frog in box.  A policeman overhears the singing and approaches the man who points to the frog.  Then the guy ends up in the mental ward..  He is released and ends up dumping the box back where he found it in the new cornerstone for the future “Tregoweth Brown Building” and running away.  The scene zooms into the future nearly a century later and now the Brown building itself is being demolished with futuristic looking tools and the box with the frog is discovered in the cornerstone again by a 21s-t century demolition man and the story begins again as the cartoon ends.  Well, wasn’t that a fun trip down memory lane?

So anyway, a few ladies and I met once a week at someone’s house and we had an open discussion meeting about whatever was going on in our lives at the time and that was SISTERS. That was when I lived in California. When we moved to Portland, Oregon, I did not know anyone and it just fell by the wayside.  Maybe I could do something with it now, online.



While sitting here typing I decided to listen to a YouTube channel called The Brainwave Hub which contains music for Focus & Creativity ( Flow State) Isochronics Tones for Creative Thinking, Writing.

If you are interested here is the link to this one. They also have Study Music for Focus & Concentration, Creative Thinking and Creative Visualization


Welcome to RandomJalie. Parts in [ ] these brackets usually mean I have added something I am thinking.

So much happened today. It is Thursday December 24th, 2020 at 10:16pm. I have been working on this for days. I only get to type so much in a day and then editing takes a long time.

I am living up to my name in this post. It may seem very random. I hope you can make some sense of it and that you take away or come away slightly more enlightened than when you came. Or that you were at least entertained for a few minutes. Just take what you can use and throwtherestaway.

It is Christmas Eve and the day did not go as planned. No details but my daughter and her fiance and kids were supposed to come over and they didn’t. They live over an hour away and were here in town visiting everyone else so I asked her if they would stop by instead of me driving all the way out to her house to drop off presents. It made sense to me to do it this way. She agreed but something went wrong. Nothing I could fix so I have not seen them.

Today is Christmas day and I spent the day mostly alone typing. This particular post has taken me hours and hours and days and days.


My son and I had a conversation (right after I found out my daughter was not coming over) because I needed to talk to someone. I texted and asked him to call me because when I called him it went straight to voice mail. He would not call me. It is just as well because the first time I called I was very upset and probably would have started crying. He is 16. He doesn’t need that.

But this is our conversation and the reason I confide in him sometimes. He has insights that no one else has.

This is the longest conversation we have ever had in text.

Me: can you call me?

Him: What’s up?

Me: Too much to text.

Him: Do I want to know lol Sounds scary

Me: I’m calm now

Him: … that only made me more anxious what’s wrong

Me: driving now [when I got to where I was going] Your phone must be on do not disturb I tried to call – Its not scary

Him: Alright

I told him everything that happened

Him: I don’t really know if i am equipped for this conversation I’m not exactly a mom hahahahahaha

I explained a bit more

Him: Yeah but I’m not sure why you’re telling me this

Me: I don’t know. No one else would get it? Thought you could relate (or relay?) it to dad tell dad haha Misery loves company?

Him: I understand how you feel, but everyone has their own feelings and reason they feel that way. So I don’t always know if its right to blame____ I’m kinda scared to blame anything for anyone on anyone because I dont know their story.

Me: I was so excited they were coming over

Him: Its kinda hard for me to form an opinion. Yeah, I get that. I’m sorry they didn’t get to come over But its not the end of the world Christmas is only important because people say it is Maybe you could make a come to grandmas house day

Me: [what happened] was not a huge deal [someone] made into a big deal and now it hurts the family

Him: But I think you know that as a parent, Christmas is pretty hard for parents Theyre both just stressed you know. They have been driving the whole past two days I heard.

Me: Yes ( my daughter and I) have been talking about xmas stress. One day, and it will all be over. Its just another day.[ it is a holy day, but that is personal to each person]

Me: When the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to treat everything as a nail. (Maslow quote)

Him: Yeah but you gotta realize that you can pull the nails out, or make toothpicks out of the handle, firewood or anything Idk Hahahahah

Me: That’s what I love about you. Can I use that?

Him: Of course, I knew you’d react like that hahahahah

Me: You don’t just think outside the box. There is no longer a box. It’s more like a 4 dimensional thing. Like in that app I had about the 4th dimension. Just can’t remember .. what was that thing called

Him: Was probably just 4d something. I can’t remember. It did actually have a weird name huh. I just wish I couild slow down and apply my no box thinking to everything I do. That’s why I miss Siege, I knew the game so well I no longer needed a box I hople they fix it someday

[He put over a thousand hours into a game called Rainbow Six Siege. If I remember right it is a Tom Clancy book. Then the creators did something to the game and he doesn’t like it or play it anymore, so sad]

Me: Me too.

Him: Well, write it down. Make a no box philosophy. And slowly apply it to everything you do, now that you’re conscious about it I’m just giving you the tips I need and making a mental note btw 😉

Me: Tesseract?

Him: Oh yeah, it was something like that I remember


In geometry, the tesseract is the four-dimensional analogue of the cube; the tesseract is to the cube as the cube is to the square.[1] Just as the surface of the cube consists of six square faces, the hypersurface of the tesseract consists of eight cubical cells. The tesseract is one of the six convex regular 4-polytopes

Fourth dimension is very interesting and there is an app for iPhone that explains and shows pictures of what it would look like if it existed in both 3D and 4D. I suggest you look it up and check out what it looks like for fun.

Continuing our text conversation:

Me: Ok. thank you, Bubby. you are smarter than me. [I always told my kids that when they were growing up]

Him: Depends on how you measure smartness.

Me: Laughing emoji

Him: I still need to take a personality testn and an IQ test But both those scare me And I would have to take the personality test with some friends No one’s image of their self is ever the true one A different you exists in everyone’s mind Anime taught me that

Me: Oh wow. And it is so true. And there is the you that exists in other dimensions and realities too. I took the Briggs- Myer test. It doesn’t take too long. Try that one. I am an INFP. Once you take it, you will know what that means. Intuitive, Perceiver, Judging.. I can’t remember what it all stands for

Him: Interesting, thats the one I was gonna take too.

Me: I am home now [ i had been home for awhile sitting in the driveway] I’ll have to talk to [my daughter] and try to help her feel better.

Him: But I ‘m gonna take it with my friends so I can have a better understanding of what I pick and why Thank you, goodluck mom

Me: Well, take it by yourself first. [ skipping some not important stuff] Thank you, I don’t believe in luck tho I think we make our own luck or something like that

Him: You think Karma contributes to luck????

Me: So when you say that [ because he says good luck a lot about anything] I perceive it in a different way now. And it totally makes sense somehow

Him: Sorry that totaly what it sound like, and honestly that’s kinda how I feel

Me: Karma is just cause and effect. What you put in determines what comes out. If you plant a carrot seed, you will get a carrot.

Him: Yeah, but sometimes it’s convoluted

Me:So I need to plant some good seeds of thought for [daughter]. Something positive.

Him: Positive is good. I’m glad you’re thinking that way.

Me: But still, you will always get a carrot. Not a cucumber or a watermelon

Him: Yeahhhh

Me: Some laws just work like that. People limit themselves with their own thinking. And then there is the subconscious mind and the unconscious mind That’s your recipe for “convoluted”

Him: Gotta use NO BOX THINKING to fully understand how karma effected you [he meant affected]

Me: Well, that’s the thing. I don’t buy into what has alwasys been said by other people about Karma. I mean, I just wrote about the first time I heard, I mean really heard, What goes around, comes around. I heard it. But I didn’t understand it. Until way later. And I think there was even an ’80’s song with those words.

Him: It’s a really weird saying.

Me: I had no tools – well not no — I had bad tools for coping growing up.

Him: When you say it, it just kinda sounds like what happens will happen [reminds me of the song Kesera sang by Doris Day – Whatever Will Be Will Be]

Me: My way was – well, It’s time to get drunk, it was normal to me [ as a child, I had to guess at what normal was] My family drank alcohol. It was just what was normal to me.

Him: Yeah I think we all do, and however we choose to use the hammer effects [affects] us for the rest of our lives. Yeah.

Me: Then I got in Aa and heard lots of stuff to help me learn how to live. And then I got books. [ One of those books was FEELING GOOD by David ? cant remember but it was about cognitive behavior]

Him: And that affected your whole life That’s why everyone needs therapy 🙂 Hahahahaha

Me: I think of things more like being episodes. Things have a beginning, middle and an end. so when you say for the rest of our lives,..it does make me wonder.

Him: Okay. It affects the first 3 seasons

Me: I know, your oldest brother just messaged me a link to read about neurosis. We are all neurotic.

Him: Until you realize, plot twist, what you were doing to help, was actually making it worse then you have the rocky workout montage arc where you learn to be better. Yuppp

Me: Huh? rocky workout montage arc? lol

Him: It’s part of the hero’s journey in literature. You have your lowest part, then you have your “workout training montage”

Me: [haha I don’t want to show that I am kind of lost] Well, if you think positive thoughts you will get positive result, right?

Him: Yeah, I suppose.

Me: I learned that when something happens and you perceive it as being bad, you might think differently about it later if that seemingly bad thing made something good happen. It’s what people call a blessing in disguise.

Him: Yeah Everything happens for a reason.

Me: So I always say the seemingly bad. Because, you’re right, we don’t know.

Him: And babies only cry when they fall down if you freak out too Hahahaha

Me: I think it does. [to everything happens for a reason]

Me: Hahahaha. Yeah, babies are only born with one fear. do you know which one?

Him: Uhhhh heights or being alone

Me: Yes, heights

Him: I can’t remember the right one Yeah but that’s cuz heights are scary

Me: Did you know that in the Chinese language they don’t even have a word for ‘alone’?

Him: Yeah, that’s weird.

Me: Yeah, babies will go to the edge and stop. But maybe they don’t see stairs as being a height and that’s why they can tumble down. but they have tested babies with plexiglass The babies can see down thru the glass – but it’s a safe test because of it

Him: That kinda makes sense, they see slow descent and don’t imagine themselves slipping or falling

Me: Yeah, have you ever heard parent say, that kid has no fear? Climbing up everything. I used to test to see how far away I could get before – [my first born] would feel it was too far and want to come back. It was always too far for me first lol

[actually the test was watching him run off in a big park field after I had read that kids had a sense about how far away they could get from their parents before they got scared and came back….there was supposed to be a set distance, I never found that distance with my own kid, the first one, never tried with the next three]

Him: Weird. And its like a neurological connection. Threw da brain waves

Me: Yep

[ I won’t bore you with some of the next stuff but finally I say I better check on my daughter, try to talk her into not sleeping in the car and at least choosing the couch and I said I might give her a tiny bit of advice. But I never did. I just apologized and said let’s figure something out so I can give the kids their gifts]

Him: The advice you give others is what you need to hear too [I have taught this kid well hahaha]

Me: Oh I ALWAYS say exactly what I need to hear. I learned that in AA too. I shouldn’t say AA. I mean AA people.

Him: yeah, if you feel that way in a couple hours or days, re read these text messages or whatever your going to say to [ my daughter], when you’re in a different mood or head space for understanding. I always tell people to do that and I feel like they don’t but I think it’s interesting

Me: I will do that. I will probably put this in my notes. You and I think a lot and think deeply. And, well, you know what I mean.

Him: I hate it. I wish I thought less cuz I only overthink. Hahahahahahaha

Me: Embrace it silly. It’s a gift. Well, there is that [overthinking]

Him: Okay I’ll overthink with a side of logic

Me: Picture it like a pendulum. It swings way up one side and then the other. But it does rest in the middle.

Him: Overthinking and getting lost in emotion is madness. But it can keep balance of emotion and logic. I think that’s a good equation for a healthy sum.

Me: Yes it can be [madness] And been there done that. But I don’t anymore.[much] Not sure if it had to with age or practice or both.

Him: I’m talking in christmas riddles

Me: That’s why I tell people when you’re brushing your teeth, try only thinking about brushing your teeth.

Him: Otherwise you’ll be brushing your teeth forever and do a shitty job [ his sense of humor will save him in life]

Me: I don’t know why exactly anymore, maybe someone suggested it to me, but that’s how I learned to live in the now.

Him: Especially if you’re thinking about why that one person did that thing to you the other day and you’ll miss a spot. It’s a good idea. I will adopt it.. I will also try to start brushing my teeth [Oh thank God, lol]

Me: Most people are about 5 to 10 minutes out in their thinking. Or more [ in the future and/or their past]

[It’s okay to look at the past but not to stare at it. #99]

Him: Or I won’t be able to say teeth 🙁

Me: I mean, you can make plans, but you can’t plan results. Hahaha missed a spot. It’s just an exercise to control the mind. Try staring at a candle and just observing your thoughts. Don’t try to control them or judge them.

Him: Hurts my retinas!

Me: See and feel how you are separate from the thoughts you are thinking. Because we are not our brains or our minds. We are something bigger and brighter, and higher. Your inner guide or higher self always knows what to do. the god in you. We are really like little gods.

Him: the Kanye idealogy. LMAO

Me: we co-create with The God. Or Energy or Universe or IT

Him: [ he sends me a link to a Kanye song called I Am a God]

ME: Maybe so. I would have to hear his ideaology.

Him: You’d have to sift through random lyrics on random songs, he’s hard to understand so a YouTube vid might help too. But yeah, I get it.

Me: Not all our thoughts are creative. Good thing too, since we think about 60,000 thoughts a day. But the ones with emotion and conviction behind them- those are the ones that manifest.

Him: Humans are crazy with all the ways they think and feel. And for free. We must be made by aliens or something. Yeahhhh.

Me: Ah, I wonder if he has a vlog. A lot of these YouTubers are starting Vlogs now too.

Him: Hahahahahhaha I doubt it. Kanye stays out of that kinda stuff most of the time. Barely even posts on Twitter. [at this point I am thinking, you’re on Twitter? You know this much about Kanye? haha]

Me: He’s prolly too busy and is already famous enough and has made his fortune.

Him: Yeahhhh

Me: But Justin Beiber was discovered on YouTube [no idea why that came to mind] Some people think we are the aliens. Or that some are Starseeds or Lightworkers and Starseeds and Indigo children and Crystal children and Rainbow children.

Ewwww and Black eyed ones. Hahahaha

Him: I don’t know anythingggg about that. Hahahahaha. I have heard creepypasta about black eyed children though.

Me: So scary. I have more ideas for YouTube. I am going to put your video production knowledge to use

Him: Hahaha alright. But don’t forget I basically only took that class for half a year. I am starting again soon though.

Me: Typing takes so long when I could be talking. I started pretending my headlight is a camera. I can’t even do that.

Him: I think that means you’re thinking too fast.

Me: Why is being in front of a camera…. why does it look so easy but feel so difficult?

Him: But you can just record voice messages in the notes app I think. Just cuz you’re shy. You want it to be perfect. That’s why streaming is so hard, you have to be you or your character

Me: True. Then, I don’t like how I sound. Omg. I need to get over something. Ah. I see. I know I can do it.

Him: In front of a bunch of people, and you can’t hide behind a script or editing.

Me: I just need some practice.

Him: Yeah me too

Me: Hmmm I used to speak at a podium in front of people. I played guitar and sang in front of people. I used to have no fear. I got the nerves after I was done singing usually

Him: Were you being recorded? Interesting.

Me: Oooohhhhh Only at school when a kid’s dad brought his camera. And I prolly didn’t know.

Him: It’s just camera shyness.

Me: I see what you mean. No I was not

Him: Gonna steal yo soul

Me: So that must be it. [maybe I am camera shy] Maybe I can look in the mirror and start talking to myself. Get comfy with that. Hahahah

Him: Or use the back facing camera. Just make sure to look into the lens.

Me: Yeah, I should start with that. Back facing. Camera shy. Audio shy. I need to getoverthatshit.

Him: Casey Neistat, probably one of the most famous vloggers wears sunglasses cuz he doesn’t want people to see when he looks away from the lens to see what the cam is looking at.

Me: Wangundo?

Him: That’s why he has them in everyyyy video. If you wanna know about vlogging, watching him is very nice.

Me: Oh. I’ll look him up.

Him: And he’s just an interesting guy.

Me: Cool. Okay. Casey Neistat.

Him: Yeah. I think I spelled his last name right. But it will come up [and it surely did]



That’s it. I don’t think he and I have ever conversed in text like that but we have had lots of interesting conversations.  I have learned a lot from conversing with Henry.

Hope you enjoyed that and thought, wow, that was different.

It is now 2:22 am. Wow. It’s Christmas Day. I have a neck cramp. I need some chamomile tea to relax my shoulders from sitting here typing for so long. I used to drink that when I was sewing quilts. It helped!

Merry Christmas all!

I am going to get some rest before I have to get up in the morning.


Here is the real post.

Having fun with words. Runningwordstogether

My mother used to say Port of Entry so fast that I used to think it was all one word. That was until saw the sign while we were driving to Texas to visit my cousin.

So Imgonnahavsumfun.

Monday Dec. 21, 2020 10:58pm

I picked up this new journal from Fred Meyer today after I went to a doctor appointment that isn’t actually until the 28th. The eight looks like a zero on the appointment card. No wonder I didn’t get a reminder call.

The other day my son and I were standing at the freezer trying to make room for some new ice cream. We were looking at pints trying to figure out what was old and freezer burnt. I was trying to make it fast because we were letting all the cold out. Here is what happens when I try to talk too fast. And I also have a tendency to mumble sometimes.

I said, “What am I going to do?” but it came out “Wangundo?” I looked up at him (he is taller than me, as are all my sons) his head swiveled to look at me (I am starting to laugh all over again, I am sorry, maybe you had to be there) he said, “WANGUNDO?!” We started laughing and repeating it and laughing some more. I ran to the bathroom.

He went back to his room.

I have been on Lasix so I have to pee a lot. But to give you a little history. Growing up, I ended up not making it to the bathroom in time a lot, ALL because of laughing too hard. One of the cousins that I mainly grew up with and I were together a lot and we could just look at each other and start cracking up. It was so bad when it happened in public or riding bareback on a horse (alone thank God, I mean she was on a different horse) -honestly, I think I could fill a book with peeing my pants stories.

So, I ran to the bathroom and I must have sat in the bathroom for 5 minutes laughing hysterically, almost maniacally [no, it was not like a maniac] but I was feeling infinitely giddy and every time I thought of wangundo and Henry repeating it, I started laughing more. I could not stop laughing and was so glad I was in the bathroom, to put it politely. I thought everyone could hear me laughing which sort of made me laugh even more. I started to wonder if I was not laughing would I be crying? Did I just need a good laugh?

Turns out Henry had his headphones on (his room is right next to the bathroom) and my partner was sitting outside on the patio. They did not hear me laughing like a crazy person. For once, I was spared by the gods of embarrassment.



Definition of ego is a person’s sense of esteem or self-importance. Oh it is so much more than that. From simplypsychology the Jungian definition is

According to Jung, the ego represents the conscious mind as it comprises the thoughts, memories, and emotions a person is aware of. The ego is largely responsible for feelings of identity and continuity. Like Freud, Jung (1921, 1933) emphasized the importance of the unconscious in relation to personality.

And frithluton says

Jung pointed out that knowledge of the ego-personality is often confused with self-understanding.

Ego is a master at creating fear. Or fear is ego rearing it’s ugly head.

The ego has a couple of fears: Not getting what it thinks it wants, and losing what it has. I say thinks it wants because of the phrase, be careful what you wish for, or be careful what you pray for. Have you ever wished for something and then wished you hadn’t once you got it?

Ego only becomes a problem if it becomes a problem. Boy, that makes sense. If our sense of self becomes all self-important to the point that you are bragging about stuff, that just means you are afraid of something. Right, not getting what you think you want, or losing something you have.

Ever heard of a God hole? AA members like to describe it as that big hole in your gut with the cold wind blowing thru it.

Well, people in fear try all kinds of ways to fill that hole. A fantastic affirmation for this is, I am worthy, whole and complete. I got that one from Aaron Doughty, YouTuber who helps people “raise their consciousness.” I have that one written down on a card and I say it as part of my prayer-meditation- affirmations sessions. I say it for everyone, not just me.

I think I learned as a Catholic years ago that you can ‘offer up’ prayers or fasting or the act of giving up something for Lent. So I have made it a practice to offer up my prayer-meditation-affirmations sessions for soldiers and veterans past and present, my neighbors, neighborhood, city, state, country, the world, Facebook friends and family and specific people on a list I have written down. I do what is called Spiritual Mind Treatment for people. I learned this from the Religious Science Church of the Desert when I lived in the Southern California desert and from the book The Science of Mind by Ernest Holmes., which the Religious Science Church is based on.

A Course In Miracles defines ego as

A Course in Miracles defines the ego as a death wish, the desire to create yourself and your world. The ego identity is what the body symbolizes; a person, an image, a self-concept. This alter ego is the replacement of abstract love, our true reality.

that is from spiritinlove.net

A Course In Miracles has a couple of chapters on ego. Chapter 4 is called THE ILLUSIONS OF THE EGO and Chapter 11 is called GOD OR THE EGO. And it mentions ego in several more chapters in subheadings. It’s important to learn about our egos.

Fear can override intuition. Fear can be paralyzing and prompt a quick decision that goes against intuition. Fear can be panic. Intuition involves past and future inferences that help us predict an outcome or figure out a problem.

Fear is stronger than any weapon. Aeschylus 400 B.C. #20

Fear is an acronym. I know of three different ones and one I made up myself.

1. False Evidence Appearing Real

2. Face Everything And Recover

3. F**k Everything And Run

Mine: Future Endings And Reruns.

Most people are either thinking about the past of thinking about the future.  Living in the now takes practice.

In my life right now is the power to make things right. #19

Use the past as a point of reference not preference. #98

Its okay to look at the past, but do it like you are looking at rear view mirror.

Learning to live in the now makes us happy.  Not on my list of sayings, but it should be.  I explain that later, my list that is.

There is a book called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. One time I read what books Ellen had on her night stand and we both had that book on our night stands at the same time. Yes, of course I thought that was cool.

I started learning to live in the now while brushing my teeth. For two minutes while I am brushing my teeth I think about nothing else except brushing my teeth. Driving was next. That’s a hard one. And have you ever broken down each movement and step driving a stick shift after you’ve already been doing it for a while and it’s all automatic? Suddenly it gets confusing and you don’t know which step you’re on or what comes next. Kind of like when you look at a certain word for a while and it starts looking foreign and you’re no longer sure of the spelling. Is this all just me, or can anyone else relate to this stuff?




Intuition is defined as the ability to understand something immediately without the need for conscious reasoning.  It is a person’s capacity to obtain or have direct knowledge and/or immediate insight without observation or reason. Again- Google credit here.

Intuition is not logical.  I remember expressing my feelings to my husband, and him being a man, would look at me and ask how I could feel that way.  It made no sense to him. I finally told him I didn’t say my feelings were logical. That seemed to help him understand a little better. Women are not always logical. We think and feel at the same time, we have a lot of intuition going on.

Left handed men are just like women in that respect, by the way.  Because in women and in left-handed men, the corpus collosum, the part of the brain that connects the two halves is larger.  So right-handed men go to work when they don’t feel good and focus, focus, focus, whereas, women and left-handed men can multitask (if there is such a thing) like in the olden days when the men would go out to hunt, the women had to watch for the Indians and tend to the children. Please do not take anything that is not politically correct as any kind of racism or prejudice.


One year, we got beat up on the Fourth of July. It was the one year we decided to stay home and do fireworks instead of go to one of the bridges over the Willamette River in Portland to watch the city’s fireworks display.  The neighbor dude and his dude friends, who had been drinking all day, tho we did not know that, sauntered down the street in front of our house while we were cleaning up, and had decided they needed to tell us this was their street.  It was all because they started shooting off bottle rockets at we neighbors down the street.  They almost hit two kids, one being ours. They had done this earlier in the day and my husband had gone out and asked them if they could just do what they were doing farther down the street because we all had kids out playing and it was getting dangerous out there for them.

See, earlier in the evening when everyone was outside in the street setting off fireworks, our next door neighbor who was a mean jerk started shooting bottle rockets at those same dudes.  Those dudes started yelling “Get rid of your kids, you chicken shit!” so they could shoot back. Well, the guy didn’t and the dudes did anyway.  Then the neighbor slipped back into his house and soon it was just us and them. Me and my husband and the drunk neighbor dudes. It escalated quickly after we had tried to converse peaceably with them and three of the dudes chested my husband to the next street and there was no where else to go and he curled up into a fetal position and they started kicking and punching him.

Years later I realized that you are not supposed to touch anyone ever, even if it is just part of a gesture trying to reason nicely with someone, with your finger on their chest emphasizing you.  The me now, knows it is just common sense.   Isn’t it?  Evidently I lacked common sense in this particular situation.  I was innocent and naïve and not street smart.

It sounds so bad now but I said “Come on, You know we live here too” (or something to that effect) I thought if you touched someone, it had to be in a threatening violent type of way for them to complain and/or make a big deal about it.   But he started yelling, “YOU TOUCHED ME! “huh? wha?” And BOOM! Another Fourth of July story was born.   I say another story because I have a few.  My mother died on the Fourth of July.  Did you know that two of our presidents also died on Independence Day?  Whoa!  I just Googled this because I was going to give you a little more information, and not two but three of our presidents died on Independence Day.  In 1826 John Adams and Thomas Jefferson died.  In 1831, James Monroe, the fifth president, who had been ill for quite some time, died on the fourth also. The New York Evening Post founded by Alexander Hamilton called it a “coincidence that has no parallel”.  I think I will post the story of my mom’s passing at another time.  Because as these things go, it is an interesting story.

Anyway, the big one I had gently touched with my finger in a friendly gesture started to go towards the dudes that were kicking and punching my husband and I thought, they’re going to kill him and if this guy makes it down there, he’s dead for sure.  So I took my broom and hit the guy on his left shoulder.  Of course it was like shooting a bear with a 22 caliber rifle.   My goal was only to distract him and it worked. I think he lifted me off the ground by my neck and for sure he punched me in the mouth because my two front teeth were missing later.  He also followed us up our driveway and punched my husband in the face as he was trying to close the gate.  Not one of our neighbors called the police even tho I had been screaming for someone to.  My husband was saved because our across the street neighbor’s boyfriend who was a security guard at the time came over and started dragging those guys off my husband one at a time. After we made it into the house he called the police but of course by the time they got there the dudes had scattered and were gone.

When I think about all this now, I realize how innocent and naïve I was,  or completely unaware and ignorant. OK, dumb. Tho, to my credit my intuition was spot on..

Later I told my significant other that I knew we should have left, should have run inside the house, that I just knew what was about to happen. And later, he told me I should have told him and why hadn’t I? I didn’t want to hurt his ego. I did not want him to feel like he lost face because his lowly woman/wife was telling him what to do in front of other tough guys. And to reiterate, he always told me I was either with him or against him. Well, confusionrules.

Also,  I must have thought, he must know what he is doing ..( I am supposed to trust his thinking above my own, right? )and I would not want to seem to be against him so I better stand here with him.  This kind of thinking is not healthy and dare I say, Codependent.  He said he wouldn’t have felt that way and that if I sensed danger I should have told him. Oh, who knew?  Exactly how am I supposed to know when and where when I have no confidence because usually you are the one with all the control?

Well, of course, hindsight is always 20/20.  But he was the so called street fighter who grew up on the streets of Chicago.  I am just a small town girl from Wyoming with no street sense.  Where was his spidey sense that night? I thought for sure he would ‘feel’ the danger, but he simply did not.  How I could think about his ego at a time like that?   It says something about our relationship and conditioned thinking.   Anyway, that Fourth of July is still a whole other story, also.

****Side tracked Side note:

I just realized something about myself. I must feel like that whatever I do, it has to be entertaining. Whether it is telling a story or a joke or doing the dishes. I don’t just wash the dishes, I do it with finesse. I spin the bowls and glasses while rinsing them.

Working at UPS for 20 years, I learned to spin a box on it’s corner in the middle of my palm. I would also take my gloves off and’ gesture’ them like nunchucks. I can’t even explain that, you would have to see what I mean.  I would do it suddenly in front of people and then ask if they liked my ‘glovechucks’, hoping to make them laugh. I am a goof ball.

How can I use this need to entertain or perform, combined with my experience, strength and hope, to make a living and help people at the same time?  One of my former co-workers told me to use my watercolor art and the music I have written and my memoirs.

Well, stay tuned because even tho it scares me, I am going to start a YouTube channel.  I am just stuck on picking a niche or a subniche of spirituality or self help.

It’s not random that my website is called randomjalie.  I am all over the place. But I have done tons of work on myself and I did fill multiple notebooks with affirmations.  Affirmations and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy changed my life.

Cognitive behavior therapy definition

cog·ni·tive ther·a·pynounnoun: cognitive behavioral therapy

  1. a type of psychotherapy in which negative patterns of thought about the self and the world are challenged in order to alter unwanted behavior patterns or treat mood disorders such as depression.

There is a book about this called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, by David M Burns, MD

My other website is wordofmouthadnexus.com contains information about things like full spectrum lighting, anti-aging products, an air filter product, a water filter product, and Qigong, among other things to improve a living environment and sleep environment like MiracleBrand silver infused antibacterial sheets and towels.  And Chilisleep, which Aaron Doughy introduced us to in one of his videos, that I have invested in this year.

That website could be free advertising for your business or a platform to spread the word on movies you think others should see or restaurants others might like or products people should try.  That is what I have done.  I have talked about supplements I am using for anti-aging, which water filter for clean drinking water and the product I used to filter our air, etc.

So, in all this writing and typing I do, it is my hope that you are not only informed about something, but that you are also entertained.

***End of side tracked side note.

Back to intuition and ego

A Course In Miracles says you should tune out ego and tune in intuition. It is your inner compass. The Master Key to realm of your inner nature. That’s from acim-with-amy.teachable.com

“The ego is nothing more than a part of your belief about yourself. Your other life has continued without interruption, and has been and always will be totally unaffected by your attempts to dissociate it

From the Foundation of Inner Peace website:

1. The ego is idolatry; the sign of limited and separated self, born in a body, doomed to suffer and to end its life in death. It is the “will” that sees the Will of God as enemy, and takes a form in which it is denied. The ego is the “proof” that strength is weak and love is fearful, life is really death, and what opposes God alone is true.

And the list goes on.

Fear is the belief that you can’t change something. Faith is the belief that you can. #38

You can change and not grow, but you can’t grow and not change. #89


The first step to unhappiness is comparing yourself to others. #45

When war is declared between two people, Truth is the first thing that dies. #21


This is how intuition and ego clash and make for a miserable existence.

There is a part of you that knows you are a spiritual being having a human experience instead of the other way around.  But that is scary.  It seems like a lot to live up to.  It may seem like there is work involved.

Did I mention that my marriage became one big contest and it got to the point where we could not get thru one conversation without arguing?  No?  Well it did.  One of us wanted to be right, and one of us just wanted to be happy again, and isn’t wanting to be happy a right in itself?  Ah, but the word want again.  Jesus taught us about the power of the I AM.  If you put the word WANT after the word I, you will get the experience of wanting.

I have learned to be happy for no reason at all.  I am sharing that journey with you here.  You don’t have to fight and claw your way to happiness.  That is actually resisting happiness and causes suffering.  The Borg was right when it said, “Resistance is futile.”  That was one thing we (he and I) could agree on.

Resistance is futile and causes suffering. #120

It causes more pain to hold onto something than it does to let it go.  #90

Might as well surrender now.  This is not a fight with winners and losers.  It is not a zero sum game.  When I practiced surrendering in certain situations at UPS when I worked there, I always got exactly what I wanted.  You see?  I did not want.  I did not do the act of wanting.  I surrendered by saying I am willing to do what they want me to do.  I became willing.   And it always turned out that I would not have to do the thing they wanted me to that I didn’t want to.

All you ever have to be in life is willing.  That is not on my list but it should be.  I told my kids that all the time.

Now I say, Be the water, not the rock.  That should be on my list too.

Jesus said, “Resist not evil.” Not because he meant the Borg was right, but because when you resist something it means you believe in it in the first place and you give it power.  Ignore it and it will go away.  It is a balancing act kind of like taking care of a plant.  You don’t want to over water it but if you ignore it completely, it will die.

What you don’t communicate will runs you.  That may be a Pat Allen quote, dang it, idk, but it is # 111

Altho, Don’t explain, and don’t complain. #110

A human being is more important than a human doing. – The Tao of Motherhood. Need to add to list ( I am missing a page, uh-oh where are the number 50’s?)

****Another Side Tracked Side Note

Today is Christmas December 25, 2020

I was washing dishes after dinner, and I realized I was happy.  The proof was in the dish soap.  I was pouring dish soap from the big container into the smaller container and I realized how grateful I was to have had saved a small container in the first place, and grateful that I had been able to afford a large container of dish soap.  I felt rich.  I felt rich because there was still soap left in the big container and the smaller one was full again.  I decided right there and then, that was a reason to be ecstatically happy and infinitely grateful and I was going to come back and write about it.

There are a great many things I have that I am grateful for, material things but also intangible things.  Do you stop to fill your smaller dish soap container and express gratitude?  I taught my kids that washing the dishes was spiritual and my first born son and I had some great conversations while I stood there while he washed the dishes.  Hey, standing there because he didn’t want to be alone was a small price to pay for the dishes getting done and not by me.  I also taught them to clean as you go while cooking.  But that only seemed to ‘stick’ with one of them.  My oldest son became a cook and recently my second son is learning to cook at his place of work after having been their dish washer.  But he had a job as a barista at one place before.  He bluffed his way into that job.  He did watch his father and I make lattes at home growing up.

And today was the weirdest Christmas I have ever had. I slept till 3 something.  I wished my closest loved ones, basically my four kids, a Merry Christmas in text as they had me.  I typed here for awhile and got up to make dinner when it was time.  I just finished my prayer-meditation-affirmation session outside on the patio and saw my neighbor and we wished one another and his dog happy Christmas.  My partner has been watching tv all day, and I have been in my son’s room typing.

Being poor is an attitude. #7

Don’t defend your misery. #9

If you are thinking today the same thing you thought yesterday, you are not growing.  #88

***End of side tracked side note:


Pendulum definition in my mind ( and on the web)

The pendulum was an instrument of torture and execution claimed to have been used by the Spanish Inquisition as recently as the early 19th Century.  A swinging pendulum whose edge is a knife blade slowly descends toward a bound prisoner until it cuts into his body.

It swings one way and then the other.  When I start something new or I am making a change, I know I can go from one extreme to the other.  I also know that at some point it will rest in the middle and I will reach a happy medium.  Luckily not a gruesome death.  It could be the death of both extremes tho, if you look at it that way.

Or maybe that is the same as jumping off the roller coaster of extremes.  Maybe, but I mean, there is no such thing as perpetual motion is there?  Well, the other side of that coin is the only thing constant is change.

We have free will. We get to make choices and change.

Karma means cause and effect. #72

Cause and effect means what’s put in determines what comes out. I have a story about that.

The first time I consciously heard the statement ‘what goes around comes around’ was in High School by a guy in my class right after lunch.  At said lunch, my friends and I were sitting at a table down in the lunch area.  There was a wall next to us and it over looked the area.  Standing above us at that wall were some boys and they started making fun of my then best friend, Maria (RIP).

I got so mad that I took my spoon and filled it with applesauce and I catapulted it toward those boys. OMG.. Did I really do that?! I don’t even think I hit the correct boy. Soon after that a hot dog bun full of ketsup hit me in the chest. I remember going to my gym locker and getting a shirt and changing into it. After I sat down in my next class, one of those guys said to me, “What goes around comes around, Jalie.” I didn’t know this guy too well. He had a twin brother, so I don’t even know which one he was. I could not comprehend those words. I think they were even in a song in the ’80’s but I just didn’t hear it.

I heard the term, we hear when we hear, and we see when we see, in AA a lot.  It took me way too long to hear the words ‘what goes around comes around‘ and understand what they meant. I feel like I was very behind with healthy cognitive behavior and coping skills.  I had no tools for coping.  My coping skills consisted of rage, getting drunk and cutting myself.

It was like I had missed that class in life.  Seriously, I think I had PTSD at a very young age and fell off track at certain ages in my life and missed some important developmental stages.

Speaking of rage… I used to carry a belt in my truck and when I got mad while driving I would take the belt and whip the seat.  I remember one time I actually stopped my truck and got out and started whipping some bushes.  Poor bushes, what did they ever do.  I must have looked like a crazy person to passersby.

Also as a result of being molested at a very young age, my innocence was stolen from me and I was promiscuous as a teenager starting at 14 years of age.  The first time I drank alcohol I was eleven. I asked my aunt for permission and she said, “Sure! That’s what it’s there for!” (the cooler of beer.  This was in the ’70’s, so don’t judge too harshly.  And I was there visiting.  Times were different) So, drinking just seemed normal to me.  My whole family drank beer. But one time my dad drank tequila and he got mad at my mom and threw our old Chevy truck into reverse going 55 on a highway.  Hmmm…I am starting to see where I got some of my rage.

Because I also remember being around 6 or 7 years old my dad got angry and took a butcher knife and cut up the carpet and the curtains and the furniture and he also cut my hair with that butcher knife. I probably thought all that was my fault.  Anyway..

I could not drink responsibly. Was not getting drunk the point of drinking alcohol?  Catholics say you can drink until you reach cor levitate – lightness of heart.  I was Catholic for a while, having converted in college and finishing classes and stuff after I quit college when I got pregnant.  I missed so much school because I had morning sickness so bad. I lost 16 pounds.  Cool!  I just lost the freshman 15.  Oh, wait I was a sophomore by then.  I later gave that baby up for adoption in California while living with my brother and he converted to Catholicism with me.  We did our Confirmations and First Communions together.  Why I was living with my brother (and my mother was there also) is another story.  And that story is how I ended up living in California in the first place.  Little bit of culture shock coming from a small town in Wyoming.

After my mom and I got jobs as waitresses at the same restaurant, I made friends with a few coworkers.  Little bit of advice, one alcoholic to another: do not get drunk with coworkers when your mom has the same coworkers because the stories of what you did when you were drunk and barely remember get back to your mom.  And your mom gets in your face and yells, “Are you gay?!”

Evidently I had stood up and said, “I’m gay, I’m gay, I’m gay” and then went over and started making out with some Mexican guy.  My brother was gay and I guess my mom didn’t want two gay kids.  My brother told me I was the one who was going to have to give her grandkids.  She wasn’t even excited when I called her up and told her the news.

“Mom?  I have some news… you’re gonna be a grandma!”  She said, Oh.  I was afraid you were going to tell me that.  I’m not old enough to be a grandma.”  Or was that what I told my daughter?

It was like I had just told her I was gay or something but she was expecting it this time.  Geez, hard to please. And now I am living with a woman.  It is safe now, because like I said, my whole family has passed away.  Or did I say that?  Well, my brother died in 1993 from AIDS (he got lymphoma but the chemo killed him anyway since his immune system was shot in the first place) and my dad died in 2000(or 2001) from a heart attack – we had just gotten back in touch, he lived in Oklahoma! where the wind blows freely down the lane.

And I waited until I was divorced (well, apart for a year, the divorce took awhile), and clean and sober for a year before I even looked at another person in a romantic way.  I dated myself for that year.  Yeah, I took myself to dinners and movies. Got myself a tattoo when I reached that year.   True story.

Anyway…Alcoholics do not have this ability to have just one drink(drinking just to get a buzz and stopping). They have an allergy to alcohol. It wreaks havoc on their system and their lives.


Learning to trust makes us happy.- Ernest Holmes, Science Of Mind. #100

You do not create your good, you recognize it. – Ralph Waldo Emerson I love Emerson) #101

In every delay, a blessing is on it’s way.  #96

Peace is covered up with thought. #103

After having many mostly problem free years in my marriage, probably because our schedules were opposite and we were busy raising kids and we hardly ever saw each other so we did not argue much, something changed and changed for the worst. I don’t know if it was drugs or a male midlife crisis or both.

Blaming is giving away my own power to change something. #37

Worry is suffering in advance and giving myself permission to do nothing about the problem. #44

Jealousy makes you inferior to the person you’re jealous of. #43

Circumstances don’t make the person, they reveal the person. John Bradshaw. #3

You don’t see the world as it is, you see it as you are.  Epicetus  #106

These are off my list of over 100 wise sayings and quotes and lines out of books. I should type it, save it, and if anyone wants a copy I can email it to them.  I think I have 120 lines like these and plan to add to it.

Blame is not useful here, and toward the end of my 27 year relationship, we could not get thru one conversation without arguing. Everything had become a contest between us. Once I realized and recognized this, I naturally wanted to know why it was happening and fix it.

The same man who regularly asked me, “What is wrong with you?!” and told me, “You’re either with me or against me, used to accuse me of being very black and white in my thinking. And I was aware of this black and white, all or nothing thinking, because I had already owned it and was changing it.

This is worth repeating: “Beware what a man criticizes, for that is the man.” Shakespeare. #105

When I point my finger at someone else that I have three fingers pointing back at me. I welcome insights into myself. Helps me to know what I need to work on. But I started remembering all the things he accused me of. And accusing me and yelling at me in the halls of the Court House, “You probably trapped me into marrying you!” took the cake and really caught me off guard.

I remember the moment I got pregnant with our first child. And without going into detail, I am wondering if he trapped me into marriage. Beware what a man accuses…..I would never have accused him of that, so, just wth, where did that come from?  I would not have gotten pregnant on purpose because….

I had been pregnant twice. When I was 17 I had an abortion. I had to drive to a different city so my best friend went with me and it was awful, I regretted it and said I would never do that again. That is a story unto itself. One of those you never tell anyone till they have told you something they did that was worse.

Then again when I was 19, I got drunk, smoked pot ( seems a small thing now, but it was something I never did unless I was drunk and brave enough and then I would black out,- sooner) tried cocaine for the first time and, of course, I got pregnant. Murphy’s Law. Wangundo.

I remember telling the guy “I do not want to get pregnant.” Well sometimes what you want and what you get are two different things.  I should add that to my list of sayings.

So when my significant other and I found out, I was not thrilled about being pregnant. I had given birth. I still remembered giving birth. No, no, no.. I never said I wanted to grow up. OR get married and have kids. Then over here we have maniacal laughing and jumping up and down clapping happy.  He had always wanted a family.

We did everything backwards. Got pregnant, got married, got a house, got pregnant again late in life at 37, I was laughing maniacally, jumping up and down clapping, so happy and he was…No, no,no.. we were just about to get our lives back!  I’m 5 years older than you,(which means I’m all grown up and now too old) and… now we’re starting all over? Go ahead… accuse me now, bee-atch.  I just had that thought while I was typing.  I did not plan that pregnancy.   So funny how two people can have two different stories of how a person got pregnant when we all know there is only one way.

I would say we are even, wouldn’t you? Yeah, You the reader. I may have wanted another baby for all the wrong reasons, and having another baby didn’t fix anything, like I’d hoped  it would, but I am so happy I had one more. I got to enjoy the pregnancy, I got to enjoy nursing for 4 years…hey, that’s the world average, Americans are just so out of touch with nature. Natural feeding, natural sleeping with mom and dad, natural baby wearing instead of pushing the baby around in a stroller, natural learning, natural playing and toys, etc. I mean, it’s out there and the group is hopefully growing, the natural people.

My last born is why I got to have the above conversation, another reason to be grateful.

So when he asked me what I wanted to do, after we found out I was pregnant, I said that I didn’t want to be pregnant and not married. So he said, will you marry me, then? I said yes. And that was my big romantic marriage proposal.

I was always the person running away from relationships if they got too serious. In fact, he and I had already fought so much, that we had lived together for a year and then apart for a year. I had left and come back a couple of times and it got to a point where, I just had a bugout bag. I didn’t know it then, but that’s what it was.

It is no mystery how one gets pregnant, but we used to argue about how I got pregnant later, after our fourth and unplanned child. Pssst, little secret here… NONE of our kids were planned. But later when he accused me of trapping him into marriage in the halls of the court house very loudly, it made me think. Why would he ever accuse me of that? It was so weird.  And then it dawned on me.

Number 105 on my list of wise sayings is, Beware what a man criticizes, for that is the man. Good ‘ol Shakespeare.

Like I said, worth repeating.

One couple we knew from AA used to tell us, you don’t have a problem with your relationship. We don’t? No, you have a problem with you, and he has a problem with himself. Well, try telling that to your partner that you can’t converse with. Not happening. Oh, I tried. I even got the book Nonviolent Communication.

You know that country song, I Was Country, When Country Was Uncool? At first he denied that our couple friend said that. Then he started denying things that he had told me even the day before. Then he would just say, “I say a lot of things.” So he was gaslighting me before it had a name. Or at least before we knew it had a name. Just like I think I suffered from postpartum depression before anyone ever talked openly about that. It was maddening.

Gaslighting is defined as

Psychologists use the term “gaslighting” to refer to a specific type of manipulation where the manipulator is trying to get someone else (or a group of people) to question their own reality, memory or perceptions. And it’s always a serious problem, according to psychologists. Jul 13, 2018

thats from nbcnews.com

It got pretty serious. He would say one thing one day, and the very next day, say the opposite thing. And when I called him out on it he just says, “I  say a lot of things”? I felt myself going mad. And he started telling me I was crazy or at the very least something was wrong with me. Not to mention I found out he was talking about me behind my back, to my own kids.

One night I came home from work and he had apparently spent hours online researching all the things that could be wrong with me.

So this time he thought I had, oh what was it? I think it was peri-menopause if my memory serves me correctly. It became our hobby. Let us try to figure out what is wrong with Jalie. I even thought I had Borderline Personality Disorder. And who knows? Maybe I do. But I am not suffering today. Either I have done so much work on myself and I am better or I never suffered from that. My best friend who has known me since 1997 says no way. She knows me better than anyone else. Except for maybe my partner now.

Humility is saying, I don’t know, let’s find out. #34

Humility is the ability to learn and empty out. #35     It means being teachable.

Marriagelongevity (did I not warn you I was making up words? or just combining words to make one long word for fun?)

If I met older couples who had been married for a long time, I always asked them what their secret was. One guy was a reverend at a yard sale and he had been married for 60 years. Until that day, I didn’t even know that it was possible to be married for that long. I guess I had just never done the math or thought about people living together for that long.

This old guy said, “Well, I have to ask myself. Would I rather be right, or would I rather be happy?”

One woman I asked told me they don’t open each other’s mail. So I guess her message was respect each other’s privacy? Is there such a thing in a marriage? So I made sure to never open his mail. I was young. To me it also means that they respect each other as individuals, not as codependent messes of Borg like assimilated couples. In the book The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran says to let there be spaces in your togetherness. That a couple is like two pillars holding up a structure.

After at least 20 years of being married I felt like we could impart some wisdom to other couples and share the secret to our long marriage. We had done a lot of work. Early in our relationship we went to a group with other like minded couples in recovery that used the Twelve Traditions of AA as applied to relationships. We did that once a week for 12 weeks. Seems like that was before kids. And it must have been before marriage and during the time we were living together.

There is No simple answer. I thought I knew the answer and somewhere deep down I knew it would not be the real glue keeping us together, that it was just a sacrifice disguising itself as a secret to longevity. Fact is, the less we were together, the better we got along. He had more quality time with his work buddy who came over every Thursday for dinner, while I was at work.

I missed a lot of dinners since I worked evenings at UPS. One of those years I switched to nights. I loved it for so many reasons. No one missed me because they were sleeping. I want to cry thinking about this. I was home for dinner and homework. The traffic to and from work was light. I liked the people I worked with. Alas, nothing that good can last, because he was mad that I was sleeping in on Saturdays, after a year, he made me switch back to evenings. I wish I would have had more of a backbone like I do now.

So we settled on the secret to our longevity being Kettle Chips. What can you hear when you are chewing Kettle Chips? Blah, blah, blah. And it’s not polite to talk with your mouth full. Your lips are moving but I can’t quite make out anything you are saying. (because I don’t think it’s important enough to hear) AND your lips are moving but that just means you’re lying. Besides, chewing Kettle Chips takes a lot of energy. Who wants to converse after that workout?

My ex denied that reverend guy ever said what he said about choosing happiness or being right. He had a need to be right. I understand that to a point.

Men have to trust their thinking. Especially right-handed men. And when I learned how to communicate in my relationship from a marriage counselor and Jungian Transactional Analyst Pat Allen, who was also in recovery and author of Getting To I Do, I took it to heart and put it into practice. My sponsor had given me a cassette recording of one of Pat Allen’s seminars. I listened to it and gave it to him to listen to. He only listened to one side of the tape. Off balance even then.

Pat Allen teaches that the female energy has to respect the male energy’s thoughts above her own. So he got the final say in important decisions. But in turn, the male energy has to cherish the female energy’s feelings above his own. So it balances out. But that cherishing bit? It of course got flushed down the energy toiletto. When one spends hours reading about what might be wrong with one’s mate, there is not a whole lot of cherishing feelings going on.

There are two phrases that give proof to this male energy not taking any responsibility for his thinking or his actions.

First one was, “Why are you even texting that b***h, so and so?! She stole your husband!” (that was after the first time she left him)

Second phrase was, “You pushed me into the arms of another woman!” How? By being depressed because you would not get a job or quit doing drugs? Gee, I am so sorry if I didn’t want to lose EVERYTHING. Sorry for feeling a bit resentful because I am the only one working and the only one doing housework and the only parent spending time with our youngest son.

I used to beg him to spend time with our son. His response was, “He does not want to do anything I want to do.” Hello?! It’s not about you or what you want to do. My youngest son’s love language is quality time. Just sit with him and he’ll be happy and feel loved. Truth was he didn’t want to do anything he did not want to do, so he didn’t.  I read to my son at bedtime every night. Even if I was dead tired and it was super late and I had even said I wouldn’t.


Another secret to longevity is of course to not cheat.

And if you do cheat, stop, get honest and see if you can move past it. Of course something is way wrong, way before that ever happens.

Some people have the lame excuse that it ‘Just Happened”,” I didn’t plan it.” ” I don’t know what happened.” He was the one that always said, “I will never cheat on you because my first love cheated on me and I know what it feels like.”

How do you not cheat? Well, for one, you do not put yourself in a situation that makes it possible.

Why can’t you have a friend of the opposite sex? (or whatever your choices in people are, I like to think of myself as fluid believe it or not) I think it is rare that a man and woman can be friends. So they should never allow that kind of relationship enter into existence. I know I did not think there was any harm standing outside talking to the neighbor about mostly politics with a fence between us. I was not even attracted to this guy. He was just someone who lived across the street with his wife and child that we occasionally waved at. Then one day we started walking our kids to school together, instead of me driving my kid 8 blocks. He had yelled at me while I was driving by once that we should walk with them to school. He needed to lose weight. I hated walking. Seriously, for some reason I would drive a block away to go to the neighborhood convenience store. It was maybe a block and a half away. Not big city blocks either. I guess I should not be driving this 15 passenger van less than a mile just to take Henry to school. Ugh, I guess we could walk.

Well, guess what? I was suddenly getting this nice attention that I was craving and not getting from my own mate. Pat Allen also says for women not to ask for more time, attention, sex or anything like that but to look good, smell good, sound, good etc. I was not asking for more attention from my mate. She also suggests having a date night once a week and a weekend alone together once a month. I relayed this info to him. But nothing ever happened. The first time we had a weekend together alone, our first born was 5 years old. I don’t remember ever having a date night. Sometimes, I believe, once a guy has done all the courting and wooing you, he is just done. He expects everything from you, sex, a clean house, to take care of the kids, go to work.. he had to be a father (and he was a good father, until toward the end of our marriage) but has none of these (he did work most of our marriage, just not the last 6 years of it) expectations of himself. We did what we had to do in life to survive, but no importance was put on our relationship by him in the way of romantic gestures. He had date night with his work buddy, not me.

So I strayed with my feelings toward another human being. The only other human being directly in my life. I have a feeling it could have been anybody almost. Like another housewife. Ha Ha. I wish.

So, was it loneliness? Can lack of attention really be that affective and effective? Was maybe the newness to blame? Was I really having genuine feelings way stronger than I thought I’d ever had? I did not really have a chance to fall in love with my mate because I got pregnant and we got married.

Relationships take work just like anything else and it has to be a priority for both people. They take concentration and work. Like I said, ignore a plant and it will die. What became important to him were things like the next deal and shopping. Our house was evidence of that, full all kinds of stuff. We had a king sized bed and the bed started getting smaller and smaller because things were being piled onto it. Pretty soon there was going to be no room for me. I should have taken that as a clue. By the time it registered in my head, it was too late.

I was the person always running away from relationships if they got too serious. In fact, he and I already fought so much, that we lived together for a year and then apart for a year. It was not a mystery how I got pregnant, but later when he accused me of trapping him into marriage (in the halls of the court house very loudly), it made me think. Why would he ever accuse me of that? It was so weird. And then it dawned on me. Number 105 on my list of wise sayings is, Beware what a man criticizes, for that is the man. Shakespeare

I spent time with a man I was not attracted to and ended up feeling like I was in love. That makes you question everything. Even love itself. I feel like the only love I believe in now, is a parent’s love for their children. School was ending, summer was coming and I could not go from one bad situation into another. Plus I was guilty and ashamed. Not for anything I had done, but because I had allowed my feelings to stray. I got scared too. I couldn’t keep this secret any longer. It made me crazy. I don’t do well with secrets. Yours I will just forget. My own will kill me.

I started acting out and doing very risky things. I ended up at a strangers house at two in the morning smoking crack for the first time. And I was doing all the buying of said crack and that guy was not sharing a whole lot until one of his friends showed up and saw what was going on and to my surprise, scolded that guy and told him he better start sharing. The whole situation was surreal anyway, but when that guy asked that girl (where the hell did she come from?!), “What should we do with her?”

HUH?! Time to leave! I’m outta here! That was my cue. Didn’t need any more of a hint than that. I left quickly in fear of my personal safety. I didn’t want to go home tho.

The way that night started was, after work I started driving home but ended up pulling into a bar parking lot instead of turning onto my street to go home. While I was sitting in my car, a guy came up to my window and asked if I wanted to buy some heroin. I had never done heroin (not counting the poppy pod tea that we used to drink) but I said yes. Anything was better than how I was feeling. The guy certainly mislead me but everything could have turned out way worse. I took a terrible risk.

Later I am on the phone with my husband trying to explain why I was not home. Then even later all the truth came out. We had a rough couple of weeks. He made me switch shifts at work again. Things got better tho and we actually became closer for the next two years. Because he had been laid off work and was on unemployment, we got to reconnect. It felt like a second honeymoon. We would stay up all night and talk. We realized we had been afraid of one another and stopped being afraid. We actually said out loud, “I’m not afraid of you!” “And I’m not afraid of you!” But truth be told, this was all under the influence. And we had been under the influence of one thing or another ever since he asked me if I wanted to share a beer with him. We had already done heroin. It was just in the form of poppy tea. That’s a whole other story.

When we lived in Southern California, they called Indio the sobriety capital of the world. We had a huge network of people from meetings. They clap after every reading and after anyone shares there and it is positive reinforcement. When we came to Portland, Oregon, the microbrew capital of the world, the meetings are different and no one claps here and I went to one meeting and never went again. We stayed sober no problem for a long time. I had 12 and he had 14 when we shared that beer. I rarely said no to him, if you didn’t gather that by now. Trusting his thinking above my own,..blah blah blah.

When it came time for him to return to a job, he pretty much refused, saying he did not want a traditional job and that he had worked his whole life and was done. Well, my part time job did not cover the house payment and the car payment and everything else. At first I was supportive. Well, mostly that was while he was receiving unemployment. He decided he wanted to do eBay full time. Ok. But the guy is a procrastinator and he ruined both of our accounts with negative feedback. He blamed me for not helping him more.

The guy had a shopping habit.  He was good at spotting deals. He knew what to buy and what would sell for how much. Before he ruined my account, I had tried organizing his 50 pairs of shoes on the dining room table. I made a wall between the living room and dining room with his 20 pairs of speakers. I did lots of things that I thought were helpful but in the end, we were riding bikes because we lost our car, lost the friends and finally the house.

I remember him spending our last three dollars at Goodwill once. He could not help himself.

I do still have my friend. Life just got busy and we didn’t talk much for about 6 years. Luckily nothing ever changes between us. But I did not want her to know too much of what was going on of course because of shame and guilt.

Did I mentioned, you could not walk thru our dining room anymore because it was full of stuff from thrift stores and yard sales? We had a literal ton of garbage in the driveway because our trash service had been turned off for months. Our youngest son had missed days and days of school and if he was not absent he was 2 hours late.

So many things happened. I don’t need to rehash it all here.

He fell in love with my friend, our son’s friend’s mom. I got into treatment, got out, picked up our son and I moved him in with me in an Oxford house because his dad had moved the other woman into our house (while I was in the hospital for wanting to kill myself)  before I even had a chance to move out. I wanted my son out of there. Plus it was full of junk and super cluttered. My daughter and granddaughter were still there also. Soon she and her boyfriend got a place to stay.  I was supporting this household full of people and only two of these people were children and not old enough to work.

We went bankrupt and officially lost the house and he lived in our van for three years because he didn’t have a job or a place to go. And the woman stayed with him off and on.

That period of time is when my Dear Ellen Diary is from. Well, right after I left. I could not stand being in that house with him. I told my son I was going to go take care of myself and then I am going to come get you and take care of you. Like how you’re supposed to put on your oxygen mask before you help others put theirs on in case of an emergency on an airplane. I just told him to keep his head down, go to school, do what he has to do and I will be back to get you out of there. And I promised him this. And I don’t promise very often. And someone else kept making promises and breaking them. And I kept my promise. At the time, I had no idea how, no set plan of what to do, I just had to try.

At the Oxford house

.A clean and sober safe house where people cooperate and run the house like a business and all work to pay the bills

we called Henry, Henry The Eighth because there were 7 of us living in that house, all women. I was lucky he was young enough and they all agreed to let us live there. That’s where he said he learned to put the toilet seat down and it became a habit because he said he knew that women did not need the toilet seat up.. I know this because just the other day I took notice of this and told him that I noticed and wanted to acknowledge it and I thanked him for it. That’s when he told me that all started at the Oxford house. It’s the little things you know.

I wrote a poem while we lived there:

You and Me in  Oxford

You and me

At 2am

Listening to Robin

In Cavetown


You tell me

A small tv

And PS4

Would round your dreams out


Oh what a wild life

We’re living

In our basement room

In Oxford


I found me

Promised you I would

Took our leave and

A leap of faith

To Oxford


You and me

Cherished, see

Our lives above

A life of grief

And found relief

In Oxford


Grateful for and thru

And thru

Don’t ever doubt my

Love for you

And ours for Oxford


You and me listening to

Alexander Hamilton

Actually me trying to sleep

Before the rising sun

At Oxford


Remember nights

Of cracking up

Scared of waking Audrey up (at our previous, now broken home)


Every night for years

And years

Reading bedtime stories

To forget our fears


Now we’re free

You can be you

I can be me

All in the safety

Of Oxford


I need to take the time to tell him what I notice and appreciate. Despite what he went thru because of us, he is an awesome kid full of intuition, compassion and empathy. Something his father does not have much of, at least he didn’t those last several years we were still together. And Henry gives me credit for raising him that way. Actually it’s more like he blames me that he is thoughtful and intuitive and empathizes with people. Ha, that’s funny. I appreciate that but really I think he would be that way no matter what. He is left handed for one and I think maybe because of being born at this period of time on earth when more and more people are waking up – so to speak.

If your relationship is not the priority in your life, it will deteriorate. If you are not making deposits in all the bank accounts of emotions, love, friendship, attention, politeness, spirituality, all the things that round out life, relationships and personal growth, you will experience bankruptcy in those areas. It is difficult to recover. It’s not like you can go back in time or make a bunch of deposits all at once or a great big one that makes up for it all.



In Health but not always in sickness

Pat Allen tells people in relationships, if you feel like you are going down, getting sick or you might die, get out of that relationship. You get to preserve yourself first, you don’t always have to stay and make it work. Your relationship should be your priority and you have to concentrate, concentrate, concentrate on it. The only person we can change is ourselves. I did everything I could think of to change him. I thought, if we could just be clean and sober again, if he would just get a job, if things could go back to normal, if , if , if…Meanwhile the water gets shut off, then the electricity, the trash service and the garbage is piling up. Our outside was a picture of our inside. I feel a quote coming on.

Circumstances don’t make the person, they reveal the person. John Bradshaw #3 again

If you could take a picture of what you think and what you have, they would be identical. Ernest Holmes #82

God is not a bellboy. Wayne Dire #11

You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat pets. He was not a good dog owner. He was not a good homeowner. He was not a good employee. I always thought he was. But later, I found out so much of what he told me were lies.

I always ask the question, do I blame all of this on drugs? The disease of addiction?  An addiction does not have to be to drugs either. It can be shopping, eating, etc. One of his brothers had a wind surfing addiction and that led to his divorce.  When anything takes your time and attention off of your priorities, namely your relationship and family, and all your deposits go into that account only, there is a big problem.  All the rest goes bankrupt.

Part of the problem was that we were butting heads at every turn and also going in opposite directions. Like the cartoon CatDog. Only in my case, the dog had all the control. The kids were suffering and that’s where I draw the line. I wanted out.

There was a lot going on. And it was all starting to unravel. I could feel us getting closer and closer to that cliff that overlooked the abyss.

Everything was bankrupt inside before it manifested outside. You just have to look for the signs and not stick your head in the sand like an ostrich.

I know this post was a little hard to read. I know it’s a bit scattered. I apologize for that. It was difficult to write and I thought I would never finish it.

I promise to get more organized and write better.

There is so much more to tell, and I know I have to do it in numerous posts.

One of my friends mentioned these posts as being my memoirs. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of it like that. Maybe I didn’t want to sound too formal. These are personal stories of my life and the lessons I have learned and how I applied such lessons, so why not call them memoirs?

Memoir definition:

a historical account or biography written from personal knowledge or special sources.

Blogging definition:

A blog (a shortened version of “weblog”) is an online journal or informational website displaying information in reverse chronological order, with the latest posts appearing first, at the top. It is a platform where a writer or a group of writers share their views on an individual subject


The subject here being life experiences and philosophies and self help, I guess.

My life is not interesting enough to do a vlog…yet. But my past? WhatchootalkinaboutWillis?!

Sneakpeak of some titles or subjects of future posts:


Just Murdered…I mean Married



Run From Life or Runforyourlife

Songstostaystrongorsaysolong – Remember Hey There Delilah?

Phantom, Random, and Fathom Love


Plasteringthewallwithvaginas or Here, Is this better? Is that whatyouwannalookat?


 Remember the Wehadababyitsaboy Phone company commerial? So funny.


Ok, Till Next Time,  thank you for reading.  Thank you for your time.

I’m out.


here I go, clicking the Publish button….15,893…now, thatsalottawords.    Time is 7:25 PST on Sunday Dec. 27, 2020.  I just went thru and edited again.  I published on Dec 26th.  I have learned a lot writing this post.  My goal was a crazy 10,000.  Never again.  Never say never and you don’t hear this too often but I think shorter is better.

Please feel free to comment.

ga’head…click the share if you dare button…questions and comments are welcomed.


Leave a Comment