Friday, November 27th, 2020 1:49am It’s my Birthday!
I am sharing what I call, “Found Writings.” Ever heard of ‘Found Art’? The artist makes art out of things they find. Could be anything. I have notebooks and papers.
I found a notebook with the title,
Cover of Thoughts on Paper
Thursday, March 31st, 2016
Another date of Monday April 11, 2016 shows a schedule and by the names on it, I can tell it is from my time in Newberg, Oregon at Hazelden Springbrook Betty Ford Foundation.
Reminder: I use brackets [ ] to show what I have added for clarification, that isn’t actually on the paper I am copying from.
Rereading Letter of Compassion to Myself [I wrote mine in poem form]
Question: What verses stand out to me now? from the self compassionate letter
I know your face, I know your name, I know of the painful place you came.
Welcome the changes in love and life. Let go of fear, fight and strife.
Share with others, receive and give back, Focus on love’s abundance, never lack.
Name the fear, name what it brings, Remember, even in the muck and mire of things, something sings.
Not all bad, some seemingly so, Retreat to the place in you that ‘knows’.
Experience this, experience that, It all comes to pass and that’s matter of fact.
Thursday March 31st, 2016 9:00pm
In ’98 we bought a house.
Who knew you could be such a louse.
You want to bring another woman into our home.
I don’t think you care that I am alone.
Oh I know, you feel self pity
I wish Hen and I could move to the city.
I’m in a place that looks bad but buys time
When I think of you, I don’t wanna rhyme.
Who cares? Who even dares to care?
Only one or two people, they’re rare.
I will meet someone, tho it won’t be soon.
While you’re in your love stupor to swoon
Fuck you, fuck her, fuck your love light!
And I’d like to add, “Go fly a kite!” [upside down smiley here]
Friday April 1st, 2016
DINO AND I ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER!!
APRIL FOOLS! NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! 6:45pm at Providence Hospital in my room. That is the best April Fool’s joke of all.
I am going to copy a line out of Autobiography of a Yogi:
“In God’s eyes nothing is large or small. Were it not for HIS perfect nicety in constructing the tiny atom, could the skies wear the proud structures of Vega, Arcturus? Distinctions of
“important” and “unimportant” are surely unknown to the Lord [the Law] lest, for want of a pin, the cosmos collapse!” [ A Course In Miracles says there is no degree of difficulty in miracles. One is no harder than another. And I like to believe that everything is a miracle. Breathing is a miracle. Spring is a miracle. Those are the obvious ones.]
Saturday April 2nd, 2016
SANTA CLAUSE STRESS [ I am not sure if this is a real thing, or if I made it up, or if I have something similar that I made up]
I must always be confident.
Everyone has to like me.
I have to be perfect.
I cannot ever be late.
I can’t let anyone down.
I have to live up to everyone’s expectations.
I must always be ready to listen to others.
I must be motivated by compassion to relieve other’s suffering.
I must never say “No”.
I have to be perfect ( oh I said that already, it’s important)
I have to be competent.
Saturday April 2nd, 2016
Word Of Mouth Advertising Nexus IDEA Let me try your service/product, etc. – take my card – I’ll spread the word- cheaper than advertising.
W.O.M.A.N. [This shows how long ago I had the idea for a business called WOMAN. And I think it was even years before that. And now I have a website, wordofmouthadnexus.com. Dreams really do come true. But I am still not sure I believe in hope. Hope implies lack. You hope you get rescued when you’re lost out in the woods or ship wrecked on an island. I hope I am successful is not nearly as positive or powerful as “I always succeed in everything I do.”]
[Jesus taught that there is power in the words, “I AM” or even just “I”. If you say, “I WANT” to the Universe, you will get the experience of “WANTING”. There may be one exception to this.
DESIRE is French for “of or from the Father”. But don’t quote me on that.]
What is this thing called hope?
Concept seem so remote.
A Higher Power and it’s not me.
A loving guidance helps me to see.
That I’m not alone
That I’m always home.
That love is shown
From a feeling known.
[Remember, these are thoughts on paper]
I am a comedienne. I only need an act – a monologue
Procrastination pays off sometimes.
Denial is a River in Egypt.
Ears have no ankles
Ears have no angles
Sound is round, right?
The waves look like this )))))))
The ear is a weirdly shaped thing.
Ears have Angels & Devils in cartoons.
Ah, Alcoholics and Addicts don’t have the tool to differentiate which one is in what ear. An alcoholic/addict brain won’t know which is in which ear.
We hear what we wanna hear.
Humor is a polite form of honesty.
If you’re laughing, it’s because you relate.
He who laughs loudest, relates the most.
She who laughs hardest, pees her pants.
I didn’t stop laughing no matter how many times I peed my pants. Peeing was not a deterrent. [and it was a lot! I could write a book of short stories….pee stories…I peed my pants laughing too hard, stories.]
I didn’t stop speeding because I got pulled over by police.
I didn’t stop drinking because I blacked out.
I didn’t stop having sex after I F-ing got crabs. I just never had sex with a cowboy again. A cowboy named Clay.
Some people drive recklessly, end up in high speed chases and crash, boom, bang – if they don’t die – they don’t vow to live a saintly life after that WHOOPSIE
Say whaaaah? Oh no you dI Nt!
I looked in the mirror to check my nose. I prolly looked like the vainest person in the room. Checking, constantly checking, in a compact. Mirror that is. Or I was the most obvious drug addict in the room. Of course I was the only drug addict in the room. I’ve got a secret.
I’ve got the same secret! Hay! Yay!
One of the things they take from you in the mental psyche ward when you’ve claimed to be suicidal/homicidal would be a mirror… and shoe laces.
My story changed quickly when the social worker said – he’d have to report that to the courts- HUH?! Oh…No…that passed….I’m not homicidal anymore…
Anyway…yeah… I just wanted to die. Die of embarrassment! Or shame. One of the two.
If not cross addicted, I iam cross afflicted.
Because then there’s the GUILT.
I was very selective about my feelings of guilt. Sometimes I was guilty as God. Or as a god.
Very selective of what I was guilty of. Go from being defensive to taking responsibility for EVERYTHING bad. – and depending on my mood- sometimes taking credit for EVERYTHING good.
And, Don’t you know who I am?!
Well! Let me travel all over God’s creation and tell the world. Tell the world you’ve got a reason to laugh today.
Can’t decide if I should write a book or speak in front of people.
I was never funny when I tried to be. No matter how much or how hard I tried.
So I got a book. Whaaaah?
No I didn’t. BUT I COULD. [ THAT HAS BEEN MY MO FOR LIFE. HAD A PROBLEM?…GOT A BOOK. I am known for the that.]
Monday April 11th, 2016 [at Hazelden]
I was waiting for the nurse by the exam room at 2:30. She wanted to check my tummy area again. It was not as tender as last week when I was checking in.
I started thinking about the date and that it is Din, our Silver Anniversary.
I started crying really hard. I pretty much lost it. I felt like I could have cried as loud as I did when (after) he told me he was in love with someone else. [I am pretty sure I cried silently tho]
[We got married April 12th, 1991, same anniversary day but not year, as my Aunt Noma and Uncle Dennis, weird AND crazy enough, my daughter and her husband have the same exact wedding date, April 12th of 2021! That was not planned at all. They goy married in Las Vegas!] Needless to say, I was grateful I was in a safe place that day.]
Sometimes I’m Guilty as a God
Like I could give a nod
And make you anything and everything you are.
Sometimes I’m as shameful as the dark
Like I could make a mark
By taking anything and everything too far
There are many kinds of bars
Like ones to help unwind
Something to help me courage find.
Kelsey wrote with marker, my name on my cup that says, “It is what it is” and colored it in an American Flag design! So stoked! [I was still pretty obsessed with American Flags at that time]
Note To Self
Love yourself, Love me
Have an attitude of gratitude
Let my function be forgiveness
Be of service because you get what you give
Let your goal be peaceful living with all beings
Note to self
Have an attitude of gratitude
Let forgiveness be your function
Be of service to your neighbors
Because you get what you give
You can’t give without receiving
Have peaceful goals with every being
Note to self,
Love me, Love yourself
Tuesday April 26th, 2016
I’m not going to make it. Life will go on without me. Everyone will be better off without me. Henry is already better off without me. The sooner the better. I’m wasting time. Henry isn’t a mama’s boy when I am not around.
[my (ex) husband used to, what I felt was, accuse Henry of being a mama’s boy like it was an insult. At some point I came to ask the question, “What is wrong with being a mama’s boy?” But it was just a put down. He complained that Henry acted different when I wasn’t around. This was all my fault. I had ruined him. I had done something very wrong. Henry had turned out bad. We were so close because he is the youngest. I got to spend a lot of time with him without other children because his brothers and sister were in school. Audrey was 10 when he was born. And she was very possessive of him, the baby. I had to turn on the tears to get her to ‘share’ him with her brothers, and explain that they need to bond also and feel left out. It wasn’t that hard to turn in the tears, having just given birth and wonky hormones. Henry nursed for 4 years. Did you know that is the world average for breastfeeding a baby? Not in America. I decided on attachment/biological/historical parenting, down to the family bed. I was against cribs [ Andrew would just stand and cry in the crib]and bottles and formula. I did pump milk and dad got to feed all the babies. So not totally against bottles. Henry is a sensitive, intuitive, empathic, caring, intelligent, creative, resourceful, smart, talented, social, loving, and determined young man with a great sense of humor. And he has always been these things. He claims that I raised him this way. And he complains that I raised him to be too caring. Yes, one can probably care too much. All my kids are these things. I think Henry may be slightly more thoughtful than the others. He is a very deep thinker. He is wise beyond his years. But Henry is the baby of the family. I can only guess that this makes him seem like a mama’s boy. We are just close mainly because he is still at home with me and the others are grown and gone. Plus, Henry is left handed. And in women and left handed men, the corpus callosum is larger. That is the part that connects the two halves of the brain. Which means left handed men are more like women. Not effeminate, but they think and feel like us, multitask (if there is such a thing) like us, are more touchy feely like us. Where as right handed man, focus, focus, focus, and think to feel. Okay, enough about all that. On with the depressing issue.]
I’m being selfish thinking I can take him.
[I told his dad, when I get out of treatment,(even tho I had no plan at the time) I am taking Henry to come live with me. I promised Henry that I would take care of myself so that I could take care of him, like when you put on your oxygen mask first on an airplane if there is ever an emergency. And I don’t promise too often. And his dad had broken many promises. And soon that dad would be homeless, living in a van…for two and half to three years and still drinking and using. And it was just weird having another woman in the house. And he practically expected his kids to call her mother. My oldest got pretty angry when his dad called her their other mother.. they barely knew this woman.. And he was not having it.]
He falls back into feeling bad when I call, I don’t think anyone is missing me. I can’t help or save anyone anyway. I am of no use. I hate myself. I hate my job. I hate him, I hate her. I’ve been gone for a long time anyway. I might as well use – but I won’t. So I might as well die. The world will go on. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.[as of May 1, 2022 I do not mind being alone at all]Henry has a little over 6 years and then he will be 18- I’m sure it’s nice being around two people who love each other than two who argue or one who is lonely – leaning on him. I am not needed anymore. I want to die. I’m ugly and fat and sick. The rest of my family, my mom, dad, brother are dead. I won’t be missed. I won’t be around for someone to worry about. What am I doing here? making an excuse to live. I make things worse. – I’ll never stop using – I’ll keep running away – I don’t care anymore. I just need to end all this.
Bake it up and shove it down my throat. All my feelings, they became remote.
Hurt myself to even feel; I don’t even know what’s real.
It’s been awhile since I’ve been me. Been so dark that I can’t even see.
Can’t see the picture standing in the frame. When I was 7 I got the recipe for shame
Take some pain and pleasure. Keep secrets, no way to even measure.
I’m checking in with my peers. I’m wondering if I’ve really ever been here
It’s been a number of years, since I’ve had a break from fear.
It’s been awhile since I’ve been me. It’s been so dark that I couldn’t see
Can’t see the picture when you’re standing in the frame. Somehow, I never got the rules to this daily living game.
I’ve laughed a lot and had some fun on the road. I’ve stuffed some feelings, now I’ve got a whole load.
I’ve done some digging tried to integrate, my thoughts and feelings for a picture to paint.
I’m mad because I had to guess what normal was
I’m sad, been betrayed by those I trust
But now I’m free to redefine me and I deserve happiness
It starts from the heart and out loud I confess
I’m used to using one thing or another
Whether I drink, snort, shoot, smoke or pop
Whether I control a little or a lot. I can say out loud – sing now
I know I’m powerless
My life’s become unmanageable and I’m powerless. Using the coping skills that made me feel less and less.
So here I am starting at the bottom, starting over.
When I was less than 7 years old, sex and love became the same
I learned to keep secrets and sex became love. I learned to lie and keep secrets.
Now I know it was a recipe for unnatural disasters
At a young age I got the recipe for rage and shame
Somehow early on I found that pain could mask the shame, that cutting could mask the pain, so I hurt myself.
The tears I camouflaged with rain.
[try this again]
When I was 7 years old
I got the recipe for shame, sex was love
Mix an overdose of anger, with a grown up dose of sex, with exposure to a pleasure.
Mind your lies and mix a secret, throw in the years of regret.
Somewhere along the line I found a way to turn it all inward to survive, I had to turn pain inward
Wasn’t sure if I could do life, wrote a note in blood to a teacher
Bake it up and find a way to shove it down my throat
Numb the pain, to open up, hollow out a lifeboat. Hollow out.
Bake it up and find a way
To shove it down my throat
Open up but numb the pain
Put on an overcoat
Never let them in
Never let it out
Always hide the sin
Always have an out, take the same familiar route
Shut it out, Hollow out.
I’m used to using something, to hide the shame inside
Push the pain back down, I’m crawling on the ground
No one ever understood, the words I said aloud
The feelings I would drown, till I couldn’t make a sound
While I die inside, I isolate and hide, Like perfect storms collide, I finally broke down and cried.
I cried no more enough! This storm is much too tough. The seas are getting rough, and I’m not strong enough
I looked around the moat. I found a lifeboat. Put on a raincoat you’re about to get soaked by my tears.
Its 4:44. I found an open door. I stepped in and found a friend so my suffering would end
Thank you for loving me, till I could love myself. And thanks for holding on, till I could write myself a brand new song.
Bake it up and find a way
to shove it down my throat
Open up but numb the pain
Disconnect when forecast rain. Before I go insane
I was thinking ’bout when
I used to chase butterflies
and when I would make clouds pictures in the sky
Now I chase lions.
I’m a lion chaser. [is this a thing, now? was it a thing in 2016? I don’t remember writing it, let alone how I came up with it]
[ The rest of this notebook is my Second Step. – Came to Believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Task: to come up with two examples of past behavior/thinking that I would classify as insane.
When I was around 12, I was cutting my cuticles with a fingernail clipper and I accidently cut my finger and it started bleeding. I kept squeezing it to make it bleed more. It was twilight and my room was dark and I stood in front of the mirror and opened my mouth and let the blood drip on my tongue and watched myself in the mirror. I consider this insane because I don’t like the sight of blood, especially my own, I tend to freak out. I felt vampirish. This was the start of my cutting behavior and around the same time I would write in a notebook to “Tony”. My alter ego? My other personality? Even the writing was different and didn’t match my own writing. Tony seemed evil. At the very least, super negative. I was sure at the time that something was wrong with me. That’s a tough thought to have at that age. I used to look up schizophrenia in books because I think I overheard someone’s conversation that my dad had a brother with two sons who were afflicted with it. I am lucky some self fulfilling prophesy never took place.
Later I wrote the note in blood to my teacher and that gets you the principle, your teacher, and the social worker waiting for you at the entrance of the school the next day at school. I felt like my teacher told on me and I was in trouble. Then I was sent to the school psychologist who helped me in one way. He told me that I was not crazy. That my actions were crazy and I could act crazy but that didn’t make me crazy. That was the only good thing tho, because he blamed me for sexual advances by a cousin when I was 13 and a virgin. And my cousin was 30. Being a virgin saved me. But I don’t think that situation was my fault anymore, and for sure these days, that would not be the thinking. Because my part in it was bringing a Muscle & Fitness Magazine. My brother had just gotten me interested in lifting weights and body building. Not my fault if that guy got turned on by the pictures in the magazine. Which, now that I think about it had mostly pictures of men. Hmmm. I have never thought about it much since, except I was pretty messed up by it all. I was very confused and didn’t have boundaries from being molested by a different cousin when I was 7. My innocence was stolen from me. In Kindergarten, I remember walking to school and flirting with a guy out cleaning his boat. So I don’t know what age I was if anything happened before I was 7, I don’t remember. I blocked a lot of my childhood out.
My parents fought and argued a lot. I used to hide in the closet. One time when I was 7 my parents asked me, “Who do you want to go with?” I said, “Where are you going?” You’re dad is leaving. Do you think at 7 years old I could choose between my parents?! No, I could not. So I said I was staying with my brother, who was 11 years older than me and had a different dad. So naturally he was staying with our mom. Dad’s have a bad reputation with me. But I have done work in this area, specifically, I wrote 449 times, I, Jalie, forgive my father for his ignorant behavior toward me. A great weight lifted from me when I finished writing those affirmations. I think forgiveness is a daily thing. I have been using ho’oponopono. Four phrases that go, I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. I learned this from Youtuber Aaron Doughty. I am sure there is a wealth of information about it online. That was all I needed and I asked my friend Heather to do the 21 day challenge with me. It has been over 30 days and the challenge we have is extra challenging. But I will not give up and I pray for her and her STBX everyday. I also do Spiritual Mind Treatment. That is from Science of Mind by Ernest Holmes. I learned how from the Religious Science Church of the Desert in Palm Desert, CA.
Anyone can email me if they want me to pray for someone. I have many success stories. It really works. I’m sure all prayer works but there are 5 steps to this structured prayer. One of the great philosophers said, a trained mind is more powerful than an untrained mind, or was it thought? I will find it. I have a list of 100 sentences of wisdom.]
Thank you for reading my random thoughts on paper. I know it got pretty heavy. I have a poem I wrote about 9/11 that I would like to post soon. I wrote a song about Columbine also, if I can find that, I will post it.