Had to Look Good Under Any And All Conditions

Why have I made two websites and why do I write? Because I found Wealthy Affiliate and they provide training and tools to ultimately make a passive income with affiliate links on your website. Once you choose a niche, you find businesses that are selling products and services in that niche, write about it and put the links on. I have not been too serious about that part of the business, tho I do share links for Wealthy Affiliate and Qigong.

I’m having a good time writing stories from my life and showing what I have learned and how far I’ve come or how much my life has changed or how much I have changed in life.

Do you have to look good under any and all conditions?

If you answered yes to that, you may be alcoholic. Or neurotic. I am kidding about you being alcoholic.

Hello and welcome to a randomjalie.com and another random story. A story about how I had to look good under any and all conditions. It is sort of a joke among alcoholics that we have to look good under any and all conditions. Or else. Or else a million things. What would the neighbors think?

A Neurotic Way to Live

Growing up in my family, that was a common worry. Living in a couple of different trailer parks, it is hard to hide from your neighbors. And you’re already doomed because of how people view people that live in trailer parks. And you can take the girl out of the trailer park but can you really ever take the trailer park out of the girl? Of course you can. Anything is possible.  Even letting go of what other people think. Does that make sense?  Even learning not to care about what other people think of me.

First Date and Looking Good

I grew up in Wyoming mostly and by time I was 17 I had left home to go to college. By the time I was 19 I had quit college, given up a baby for adoption and was living in Southern California with my brother. In my last post I mentioned that I had a brother and he lived in Palm Springs. How I and our mom ended up there with him is another story.

Indio, California is where I ended up in a recovery home. It is suggested that you don’t date until you have a year sobriety. I was asked on a date at 3 months. I wish someone had said no, absolutely not she can’t go! But no one was controlling me so I went. There is a nasty word AAers used to describe people who pursue people with under a year sobriety.

Palms Springs is located at the base of a mountain called San Jacinto. And there is a tram that takes you to the top where you can hike and there is a restaurant. My date brought us cameras and soggy pita bread with tuna fish inside them. He was into photography and black and white film development. At some point being the sick puppy I was and if you’ve read any other of my stories you know I had no boundaries, I started flirting and offered to do something to him off in the woods. As I am walking up the hill away from the trail (seems like he was in front of me) my knee dislocates and I went tumbling and somersaulting backwards.

Now I am sitting facing the trail. OW! Cuss, cuss, CUSS! SOB! Now I am breathing hard and in pain and making noises that prove I am in lots of pain, rubbing my knee(not the first time my knee has done this). I look up and of course a couple of people are walking on the trail and probably saw what just happened, I wasn’t sure but suddenly I am good as gold.

Are you okay? I smile and wave, hey how’s it going? Me? Oh, great! I’m good! I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. Just taking a rest. Thought I’d sit. No really, I meant to do that. I’m wondering how much they saw.

Do you know what F.I.N.E. stands for? F’d up, insecure, neurotic and emotional.

Neurosis like this made me stiff and rigid in my body.

Not to mention stiff and rigid in my thinking. You can’t dance being all stiff like that unless your only dance is the robot. That’s one of the reasons I drank, so I could loosen up. I always bottled every emotion up until I couldn’t take anymore and was about to blow my top. Not a healthy pattern.

That day it was like the hand of God went BAM and said, OH NO you don’t. It was like on cue my knee went out and I was saved from doing something I would later feel ashamed and guilty about.

At least it wasn’t a brick wall and my head. That gets kind of old after a while.

Later he teased me about how I had to look good under any and all conditions, of course. Man that hurt. All of it.

I have had moments of freedom from caring about what other people think.  It seems to come so easily for some people.  I have had to work really hard at it.  It is a paralyzing way to function.  In fact, it does not help one to function at all and contributes to dysfunctional living.
But I don’t live to find out what is wrong with me rather I think myself into right living.  A lot of my shortcomings had to do with cognitive behavior.  Once I learned about limited beliefs and thinking, I could change it and practice dealing with situations in a healthier way.
I am grateful to the people who have gone before us and put into books what they learned.

Thank you for reading, feel free to comment and share with friends if you liked it. Watch for more on YouTube. I have posted one song and plan to post more.
RandomJalie

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