Jalie’s Dear Ellen Diary Part One

Sharing my diary called “Dear Ellen”.

Contents in brackets [ ] means I have added to clarify or something. Otherwise, I changed nothing.

Mind you, Diary writing is very personal. In a diary I am not interested in being grammatically correct and I am not making corrections to it here.

My marriage ended right before our 25th anniversary.  I started a Dear Ellen Diary.

Sharing the candid content.  It has humor and honesty, deep and sometimes silly thoughts and gut wrenching feelings.  I  know that writing works like magic.  In a process of healing, I wrote to Ellen like I knew her personally.

Somehow I dared to dream and imagine that I was actually sitting with her on her talk show. I shared with Ellen like I would a friend and a diary and it got me through a very difficult time in my life.

It started out on a piece of printer paper, as I was in the hospital in the psyche ward for suicidal ideation. I found a crayon (the psyche ward does not allow pens, now I remember, that’s WHY I had a crayon, well, they have pens but they are without any hard plastic parts, like a soft bendy tube that holds ink) and began a journey of words to paper.

At the time of this post, life is good and I am happy, although this year has definitely been challenging for the whole world because of the coronavirus. I was laid off on March 18th because of the virus. That business had to close.

Being unemployed, in my search for work, I found Wealthy Affiliates. I am figuring out what I am passionate about and what I would enjoy sharing with others.  I would love to help others heal and improve emotions, situation in life, behavior, etc and it all starts with thinking    Our thoughts create our reality.
Click on the link above or below if you want to learn how to build a website step by step with the training and tools Wealthy Affiliate provides.

The following is true and factual of some of my life experiences.

March 10, 2016

Page 1

Dear Ellen,

I am writing to you in crayon today.(pink). I think I’ll use blue, ..nope…cerulean. I’ve never heard of it, have you?  I would bet that my cousin Karla knows the name. I think she could name a 64 pack. That’s amazing to me!  Simply amazing!  I like to say that with an English [British] accent. [I think I was in Cedar Hills Hospital in Beaverton, having been transferred from the hospital thinking it was going to be a 30 day stay. It turned out to be a 7 day stay]
My roommate’s name is Hawaiian and means ‘Of the Waterfall’-Okavelele. Just told my roommate that I read a quote that said, “Practice makes permanent.”

Page 2

My roommate. In the hospital I am in. And became a short term resident of, today.
Anyway……she liked the quote. And I shan’t name names but she had the opposite problem that I had growing up. I was promiscuous and confused love with sex. Maybe not opposite. I don’t know. Nevermind.
For anyone dealing with anything, slow, baby steps, keep calm, slow down!  And take baby steps.

Page 3

I Chapter name: Practice Makes Permanent

Better find out who wrote that. No stealing, only artists do that, whaaaaa? Yeah, what DaVinci said- Good artists copy Great artists steal. [In blue crayon still]. I really should go find a pen.
By the way,[now in pink crayon], this is violet red. Red is stimulating. There’s a reason books aren’t printed with red ink. [in blue again]I think our eyeballs would pop out like that Mars Movie with Arnold Swartzenegger.
[in pink again] Signing off,

Page 4

P..S.  [in black crayon]. WOW. You know your marriage is over when you call your spouse from a # they don’t recognize and they say,”Who’s this?”  And you say, “It’s me.” And they say, “Who’s me?!” [black crayon]
This is blue. [crayon]. Real story goes, “Hi. Are you at home?  I want to talk to Henry.”  He says, “Who’s this?”  I say “it’s me.” And he says, “Who’s me?”  [I am the only one who would say that and for the last 27 years, oh boy, there’s a problem. He said he didn’t recognize my voice because of the phone I was on. Three years later it would dawn on me that it was really because there was another woman and he wanted to make sure who he was talking to, maybe we sounded really similar]. [Anyway…] It killed me to say, “It’s Jalie” and leave out the rest of what I was thinking.

Page 5

March 11, 2016 morning

Dear Ellen,

If this is to be a book, I am going to need more paper. That means I am going to have to ask for some paper. And an ink pen would be nice [blue crayon]

I read your book. [My Point and I Do Have One] [And a book about you]. I get your humor. I always have. I hope you get mine. Usually I’m just making light of serious situations. I like to make people laugh. More importantly I like to make myself laugh, take life less seriously, it’s only life after all (begins with “the best thing you’ve ever done for me”) I know you recognize the Indigo Girl’s song and would sing it with me. I could harmonize with you. It would be awesome!  Everything is AWESOME! after all. I’ve got to find an ink pen. This blue colored pencil ain’t cuttin’ it. I write like a mad woman. So many thoughts, so little sharpened pencil. Ttyl-Jalie

Page 6 March 11, 2016 Friday

Dear Ellen,

I found a pen!  Well, my roommate handed it to me and asked me to give it back to Sara. Of course I will!  Who’s Sara? Jk.
More importantly, I had an invention idea. I was using a rubber ladder looking thing. It is pink and the size of a, oh, let’s see – a deodorant container- It was on the very top of a shelving unit in my room. I used it to hold my wet towel to dry. Oh, gotta go to lunch now!

I’m back!  Went to lunch-had salmon and roasted red potatoes and spinach. Dessert was 2 cookies with MnMs. Yum!

Went to women’s group for the 2nd time today. The therapist Kathy talked about Self Compassion. When I thought about it for a minute it made me cry. Why?  Because I am my own worst enemy etc. not to be confused with wurst enema. Ok not funny. Gross!

So I hafta, have to recognize those tapes that play in my head, change them into affirmations, forgive the people I need to forgive and talk nice to myself. I could ask, “What would Ellen Do?” WWED? or “What would Ellen Say?” WWES? But mine is always, “What Would I Say To Ellen?”  WWISTE? or WWYSTE?

Page 7  I like what would you say to Ellen? WWYSTE And What Would Ellen Say? What Would Ellen Do? WWED?

What would Ellen do?  She would Dance! SWD EWD WED? Would Ellen Dance? YES!

Dear Ellen,

I just had an EKG. My blood pressure has been high. Could be stress, could be hypertension. I wonder how many dancers have hypertension? Would Ellen Dance if she had hypertension?  You betcha she would!  Would Ellen eat her Veggies? WEEHV WEEVeggies?  Yeah, she definitely would!  Would Ellen walk her dog?  Oh, Yeah, baby!

Okay, enough about you- back to me- haha!  Hope my EKG results are good news. And if it isn’t, it will still be AWESOME – because then that knowledge and info will tell me what I need to do about it. I’m sure I already know most of the answer.

Dear Ellen,

I got a new roommate.  I drew the other half of a Tiger Face in Art. I don’t draw but those who saw it, thought it looked good.
I did what my mom said to do when someone gives you a compliment, she said, “Smile and Say Thank You.”

Page 8. 4pm   Sometimes I like to put my hands up in prayer form and bow and smile and say thank you. Not really. I don’t do that. But maybe I should start. Nah…..Anyway……Hada!  That’s Bye in Norwegian

P.S.  I saved my sticky things from the EKG. You never know when they may be useful in art.
My invention idea, by the way, came from, when I looked closer at the object I was using, it said Yoga Toes [ i have seen what they use for pedicures…but what the heck are Yoga Toes?!]on it. Ew, but Oooooh……now I must modify, or forget it – Draw a picture

description of the illustration I drew:

Shelving unit. On the top right hand corner is the sticky rubber yoga toes thing. One towel is on the side, another is in the front of the shelving unit  [drawing here]
Yeah, need a better design- like those phone holders that go on the dash board of cars – or towels with suction cup built in?

Page 9

March 11, 2016@19:00

Dear Ellen,

I was coloring and watching the news and a segment about Nancy Reagan and her love for “Ronnie” came on. I started sobing sobbing?(sp?) silently, grieving my marriage of almost 25 years. Grieving the idea of it lasting, grieving the knowledge that it’s over. Tear after cleansing, grateful tear, but feeling very alone right now! He[husband-ex] did tell me to grow up. This may be my final act of submission to him, because I intend to do just that. I am reading Circle of Stones by Judith Duerk, Woman’s Journey To Herself. I can only take it in bits and pieces. I am grieving the woman I was. Celebrating the woman I am becoming. I intend to understand as much as I can on this journey- so maybe I can help other women AND men understand themselves in relation to each other and we women, understand ourselves. With or without MAN per se. I am reaching out and grasping and holding on to the women’s strength that I have in my life. Happy + sad = sappy. Till next news. I love me. I love you. Jalie

Page 10

March 11, 2016 20:45

Dear Ellen,

Uh, oh! – Did I do that? [like Urkle(sp?)What have I done? – Did I do a random act of interference?!  What is that you ask? Well, it ain’t a random act of kindness!

A man who won’t be described here, asked me if I was watching the TV show…I was watching. I couldn’t answer yes, for that would be too bold. I said, “Well, I’m just sitting here watching this.”  ‘This’ was The Amazing Race. The contestants were parachuting off of a snowy mountain, paragliding maybe it’s called. It had my attention, I admit. It looked cool.
The man said something else, but [he] is very difficult to understand; something about changing the channel. I should fill you in here: There is one remote for 3 wings of this place. Three or four or five other TVs with watchers. I had been watching “The Watch” with a dude that was very protective of that remote [control] and he asked that the staff who borrowed it for patients to please ‘bring it right back’. I told the man who I couldn’t really understand, to ask the gals(techs/&nurses) in the office for help.
Next thing I know, my attention is being pulled away from The Amazing Race and that beautiful

Page 11

mountain scenery to bad words with no bleeping. Those two men were having some kind of confrontation. Over the remote I supposed. I felt like it was my fault – but I kept my eyes on the TV.

I have two [actually 3 or 4] stories of Random Acts of Interference:  I, in the grocery/department store in the toy section. [I am always in the toy section, I love toys for me and for my kids] Scene: African American Mother with a few kids, one of who was in the grocery cart.

The other [story] in Goodwill, also in the toy section and there were kids in the aisle – two little kids [Asian, and I share this because different cultures are different with children, I think being more and too trusting of others around them, or just not thinking they have to supervise their young, I don’t know, and I should not generalize so forgive me)and one of them was trying to climb up the shelves to reach something.  I looked around, no parents, no grandparents. I was afraid for this little child – I thought he may get hurt. It takes a village is right!  [Well] This village idiot steps up to save the day and I reach all the way up to the top shelf and hand this kid what he’s after and go back to what I’m looking for – any kind of American Flag or Patriotic playing cards I’m sure. And I hear this distinctly familiar sound. [If you have kids and have bought them LEGOS you KNOW this sound] The sound of hundreds of LEGO pieces hitting the floor.

Page 12

That little guy had just dumped out a whole big container( I think it was a Tinker Toy cylinder, and why I thought it would be okay, oh, just Tinker Toys) of LEGOS all over the floor. Then see the [unfriendly looking ] ‘Guardian Angels’. [ they looked to be the grandparents who were not keeping an eye on their grandkids.. I could never do that with my kids as I was afraid they would be abducted or do something wrong, so we always stayed together and I always kept an eye on them…isn’t that normal?][I am so bad for judging like this, again, please forgive me]

I said, “I’ll help him pick those up!”  Guilty before proven guilty. And I did. This time I may have even said, “Uh oh” or “Whoopsie” “my bad”, “I gave those to him”, w/o thinking. Without thinking.
And I did help him pick those up. With my face all flushed.

The first incident [my first Random Act of Interference…mind you, a little information for reference to my own personal history.. I grew up in Wyoming in the 1980’s. The only Black American there was probably a transplant from elsewhere to go to college. My culture growing up was not as diverse as it would have been had I grown up in California or New York or maybe even here in Portland.  So forgive me for my ignorance- but that’s all it is – I was not raised prejudice or racist. My opinion of Black American mothers is that they are extremely strong and tough and strict and this was triggering to me , scary. I am innocent through my ignorance at this time in my life]

[Again I am in the toy aisle]. I look at this little girl in the grocery cart[sitting in the front where you push] asking for something. -I looked over at the mother who was busy with another kid or two – I said, “Do you want that?”  She couldn’t reach from the cart, (for good reason I suppose) and I said, “Want me to get that for you?”- seeing that the mom was busy, [I am so helpful…NOT!] So I hand her a toy and go back to what I was looking for, moving down the aisle, searching, searching, searching, and then… I hear [a very loud and stern] “How did you get that?!”  At that time I must have looked like that emoticon with the large eyes of surprise, and I backed away slowly, resisting the[very strong and terrified] urge to flat out run… what have I done?!  [ I was so lucky out of fight, flight or freeze, that I didn’t freeze!]

Page 13

I got that poor girl in trouble! [her mom was not a happy camper]. I got out of sight [I ducked out of that aisle and into the next] before she could tell on me. Terrified I was. [like I was a child totally in trouble]. Terrified of a mother’s wrath. Guilty, guilty, guilty of causing trouble without thinking…without thinking [ seems to be a common and familiar theme with me].
I REALLY try to mind my own business now.
Chow, Jalie

Here is an inserted loose page numbered 9 and directs the reader to go to the ‘mead-like’ notebook.
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!  Yes, I would!  No, I wouldn’t!  Because that would mean I’ve been talking to myself all this time-and while yes, that is ultimately true today- it won’t always be.
Its NAAP TIIME! For real, I’m sleepy now. Talking to you relaxes me. Ha ha   Go to notebook..

To be continued… on page ’10’ in the notebook.

Intro only

Page 10 March 12, 2016 11:45am

Dear Ellen,

I got a notebook today!  YAY! The kind without the metal ring binding. Looks like a Mead with the black and white marbled cover.
I talked to a therapist today.

to be continued….also, I have another website with Wealthy Affiliates, called wordofmouthadnexus.com.  I’d like to sell light therapy and full spectrum light bulbs from Alaska Northern Light, The Water Guys Zero Water filters, NatureFresh Air Purifiers, Fusionionz products, Miracle Brand sheets and towels and watercolor art supplies, maybe even my own paintings someday.
Thank you for reading. Stay tuned for the next segment of my Dear Ellen Diary.  I said stayed tuned because I was trying to post these ‘parts’ once a week.  But today is Sunday October 25, 2020 and I have finished.
-Jalie.
Jalie S is how I sign my original watercolor artwork. I have started a project, a Campaign to save the Post Office with original watercolor postcards.  Message me if you want one.  See my fb page for an explanation.

2 thoughts on “Jalie’s Dear Ellen Diary Part One”

  1. So many memories triggered through your writing. ♡. The Mead-like notebooks, the TV remote (omg…lol), delicious hospital food, your laugh with such beautiful energy…your love for toys and children (especially your son). You are brilliantly you, Jalie.

    I remember meeting your husband at the time. Tiny little thing in spirit. What stood out, ironically, was how alive you were while he appeared so lifeless. Like he should’ve been hospitalized; not you. A strange case of role reversal.

    He was nothing without you, but you were everything without him.

    Stay strong. Keep writing. I love the WED, EWD, WWED, etc. And….please keep singing, playing the guitar (as you did for us), and playing with toys.

    Love you, Jalie.

    – Julie

    Reply
    • Thank you so much, Julie!
      How inspiring your words are to me. I have put a lot of work into this website and publishing posts to it, and in fact that is how I just today,11/22/2020 @5:08am saw that I had a comment. I was making sure the settings would allow comments and there you were.

      Thank you so much. My heart just grew a size I think. You are the one I was doing Spiritual Mind Treatment for. Gosh, that seems ages ago, but I swear I was praying for you to attract a best friend. Or maybe that was a different Julie and I kept getting you mixed up LOL. I will pray for whatever you want me to, just pm me or something and let me know.
      So nice of you to have taken the time to comment.

      I have poured my heart and soul out – and you know what? I agree with you about the ex. It is his loss.
      Thanks again, Julie. Love you too!
      Jalie S.

      Reply

Leave a Comment