Jalie’s Dear Ellen Diary Part Two

Hello everyone!  Today is October 2, 2020 2:38am

I am up late as usual.  Something I need to work on, as I am a night owl and a morning person.  I used to take naps everyday because of raising four kids.  They said sleep when they do, so I did!  I love naps.  When I keep these kind of hours, staying up till two or three in the morning and waking up at seven, I need a nap.  I am excited to work on posting another installment of the Dear Ellen Diary.  So here I am.  I hope it’s keeping your interest.  Lets see, I left off with, I talked to a therapist today…

March 12, 2016 11:45

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Dear Ellen,

I talked to a therapist today, Erica – that put my mood and hope levels at 10’s!

Right after that I went to the women’s group she led.  I love the women’s group.  I love those brave ladies.  It was very good.  We are still talking about Self Compassion.  We wrote ourselves permission slips today.  Not a get out of school on Senior

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Skip day (like I had my mom do)hah, but permission for various things we need, like to feel our feelings, permission to cry, permission to be curious and open.  For mine I wrote, “I, Jalie, give myself permission to take the time I need to be alone, to be with others of like mind, to be honest with myself and to be curious and open to ‘whatever’.”

The tears I cry lately aren’t from self pity or sadness but they are about compassion, being touched, and not like in Helen Reddy’s song “Angie Baby”. –  It’s so nice to be insane.  No one asks you to explain.  You’re a little touched you know, Angie baby.

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Tears: feel like healing tears.  Release, acceptance, surrender, relief, etc…

Tears from the pain and suffering, from compassion for myself and others.

Yesterday, I learned that anger is a secondary emotion.  WOW.  That sadness may come first.  Did I already tell you this?  Well, it’s worth repeating if I did. *smile, wink.

The therapist, a nurse, and a doctor told me that I am insightful.  The nurse practitioner told me that, most people who did the amount of meth for the amount of time I did it don’t come out so well.  [ everyday, two to four times a day and all night for 6 years, with a 6 month break while I had congestive heart failure, I wonder why?[a little sarcasm].  There’s another story here for later].  [she told me] That it is amazing  that I abstained for two weeks

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before I came to the hospital.

So I am one of the miracles.  I will give back in some capacity one day.  Maybe I’ll become a drug and alcohol counselor.  Maybe a sponsor for a gal in meetings, maybe a source of inspiration with a book called Dear Ellen that tells my story, which isn’t just my story, and isn’t just about me.  Maybe I’ll write books.  Maybe I’ll become a nurse.  I’ve been touched by many.

[Hahahahaha!  Well, that came out wrong and sounded very bad – what I mean is,…. well, you know what I mean – there are very many nurses out there who aren’t just awesome at their technical nurse stuff, they have awesome people skills!]

I think it’s lunch time or close to it.  I got to check out a guitar today and play and sing.  It’s a Fender DG60, a steel string.  very nice.  I’m used to

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playing a classical with nylon strings, so it kind of hurt my fingers after awhile.  But I loved it!  I’ll bet it made my blood pressure go down [ when I went to the hospital before this, my blood pressure was really high, like 175 over 90 or something like that.  That nurse told me that was stroke high].  I’m rusty but it wouldn’t take long to get it back.

Same with weight lifting.  I know they have a gym here, I wonder if it has weights.  I’d like to start lifting again.  I have weights at home.

I was thinking about my son again, as I very often do, and I imagined us in an apartment.  I’ve been wanting to get futon beds for us – the kind that also doubles as a sofa.  And the Lazy Boy type

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chairs for the living room.  I envisioned four of those with American Flag design upholstery or covers.  That would be very cool, eh?  That’s as far as I’ve imagined as far as thing for him and me.

Lunch time!  Adios!

3:30

Dear Ellen,

I had to choose between you and Tom Cruise/Gerry McGuire just now.  Well, you have a Tom Cruise smile as far as I’m concerned.  I’ve only met one other woman, -look at me acting “as if” I’ve already met you,- with a Tom Cruise smile.  She was an umpire for a softball team I was on [for the game we played- I couldn’t stop looking at her]

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I was always out in left field because of her.  No, really, I played left field because I’m not very good at softball.  [ the other players put me out in left field for that reason- and here I thought I was good at everything] I played and it was fun but I would rather play catch with a baseball, softball or football.  I got good at ‘street’ basketball once.[ for a whole summer I played with dudes in the park and learned A LOT]  But you can’t take some of those particular skills and play High School basketball as I found out the hard way.  What’s a ‘pick and roll’?, I asked.  Yeeeah…Anyway…..I loved, loved, loved basketball and owned and wore a Lakers tank top once, and some black fingerless gloves.  ?  I have no idea.  Maybe you can explain it to me.[Even went LA from Palm Springs sporting those – maybe I fit right in there?]

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Back to Tom Cruise.  There aren’t many male actors that I would stop to watch if they were on TV – Mission Impossible 2 is one of my favorite movies.  He is amazing, simply amazing (in that British accent again)and Matthew McConaughey – [he is actually sitting on my end table in the living room, well, his pic on a Life Extension magazine- evidently he has an Age Delay Program…. and so do I, kinda]

And then there’s Jodie Foster and together they were in Contact.  I love that movie also.

That reminds me:  I read in a magazine what books were on your night stand. [Ellen, your night stand]

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I remember one of them was “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Toll.  Seemed like they were both on my night stand also at the time, but I cannot recall the 2nd one right now. [ Of course that made me feel special, or at least good and excited!]

Went to women’s group today at 1:30 again.  More about Self Compassion.  I am learning to have self compassion.  Humor helps me a lot.

Went to a recreation group after that  and it was music and drumming!  That was fun!  The music guy said I have good rhythm  And I’ve always said I don’t – so I smiled

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and said, “Thank you”.  I was the ‘metronome’ while he helped a couple of others.  I don’t give myself enough credit for some things.  I think I might start. [It is not that I don’t have rhythm, I just don’t have any free flow with my body… I am very stiff-  – I am so jealous of people who can move their hips and necks in ways that make me look like a – I don’t know what – when I try].

Anyway….

I’ve got some reading to do.  I think about using the phone sometimes, but then I think, who would I call?  I’d call my best friend Heather.  She is my cheering section.  My authentic support.  Genuine.  A guide of sorts.  Love her!

Maybe I will go call or check in with her right now!

Thanks for being here for me, Ellen!  I am grateful and do appreciate it!  “A human being is more important than a human doing”

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from The Tao of Motherhood.

Book I’m reading , You Can’t Make This Stuff Up by Theresa Caputo, the Long Island Medium.  I was reading about faith.  I really like that woman and her book.  I have faith in a lot of things.  I suppose it’s people we humans have trouble having faith in.  That leads to expectations, anyway.  So best to keep the faith in Nature, Spirit, God, Higher Power, whatever works.   I am right where I’m supposed to be.  Now I am going to call my eleven year old son, Henry. :o)

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March 13, 2016

Dear Ellen,

My phone call with my son was short but sweet.  I told him to keep on doing what he’s doing.  I told him things are getting better and that I love him more than anything.

Just got out of women’s group.  Our talk was to write a Self Compassionate letter to ourselves:  Mine is a poem.  I’ll share it here with you.

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Not invisible is your strength, I see.  Not divisible, but not just individual,- I, self, me and we.

Never completely alone to contemplate.  Never harsh judgement if you deviate

I can hear your strength and insight.  I can clearly hear your invite

Your “please help me help myself invitation.  Your perseverance, your sworn citation

In this moment, I feel your presence.  Harmony and discord still in resonance

I feel your curiosity, openness and gratitude.  I feel a big change in your attitude

I know your face, I know your name.  I know the painful place you came

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I am here for you, you’re not alone.  To help you deal with seeds you’ve sown

I am here with you to plant new seeds.  To help them sprout and bloom; to pull the weeds

So relax in faith, hope and love.  To go beyond, sometimes above

The welcomed change, choose love and life.  Let go of fear, the fight, the strife

I see your golden stitched wounds of change.  In that healing comes a brand new range.

As in music another octave reaching.  I see your beauty, growth and teaching.

Sharing with others, giving back.  Focusing on love’s abundance, never lack.

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You will be fine, and finely tuned, soon.  Metamorphasized [is that even a word?] like a butterfly emerging from it’s cocoon.

Fear only brings fight, flight or freeze.  In love with yourself first, puts others at ease.

And remember that anger is a secondary emotion.  And to keep your momentum going, in a forward motion.

In love, Jalie

P.S.  So that’s my Self Compassionate letter

Everyday, in every way, I am getting better and better and better.

At 13:30 I go to women’s group again.  Finished this at 13:13.  I wonder if I will be brave enough to share this letter?

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Dear Ellen,

I read my Self Compassionate letter to the women’s group today.  I heard some really good stuff the other women shared when they read theirs aloud.  Tear jerking letters.

One woman said she saw a garden of daffodils in spring when I read mine.  Everyone seemed to like it.

After that, I went to art and made a collage with pictures out of magazines.  Guess what?  I found a pic of you and put it in the middle.  Now don’t be thinking I am some sort of stalker.

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I am just learning to dream and dream big.  And I don’t think its uncommon….Let’s see, I don’t believe it to be impossible to be on your show – or even in the audience one day – to maybe hand you this journal, ( a copy) in this form or type written.  Just saying, no, just know that you are helping save a life here.  You give me hope – and I’ve really liked you for a long time.  Since your first show was on.  And back then I had dreams about you.  Now I have a waking dream, day dream if you will, to meet you.

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Back to the collage:  There are other thing on my collage, like a train, the Amtrak, I would love to ride a train and take my son with me somewhere.  I love flowers and have tattoos of three.  A rose on my left forearm, an iris on my chest and a bird of paradise on my back shoulder, – it really needs to be redone, but I think I’d rather have it where I can see it.  I also have a dolphin on my right shoulder.  It would be cool to have it redone in watercolors.  there are pictures of scenery, the beach, in Hawaii I think.  And mountains.  There’s a pumpkin because I feel really bad that for the last two years, I have

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not carved a pumpkin with my son for Halloween.  This October will be very different.  We are going to carve a few pumpkins.

There is a basketball on my collage because I love basketball, a car, because I plan on buying a good used car with cash hopefully.  There is a graduation cap because I’d like a career, when I figure out what I want to be when I grow up, hah, a picture of money to remind me to learn how to manage it.  Some colorful buildings signifying I want more color in my life.  Next to you I wrote

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“I dream of Ellen.”  It’s what came to mind because of I Dream of Jeannie.  There’s a butterfly symbolizing that I will emerge from a cocoon soon.

Anyway…

Some guy is screaming his head off and I can’t concentrate anymore…geez…And, I gotta pee. See ya soon raccoon.  Jalie

Still Sunday March 13th, almost 10pm

Dear Ellen,

Overall a good day.  My son Lyle called me.  I appreciate that so much!  He said he and Andrew [my oldest son] took Henry out and they

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played all kinds of different ball games, basketball, kickball [soccer] and football.  Lyle said Henry did good, shot well, and threw a good spiral football.  Yeah, he gets that from me.  When Lyle was young, he played basketball and foosball.  Can’t remember if it was one or two years he won the Boys and Girls Club State Games foosball tournament.  I got really good at foosball in eighth grade.  And pool.  High Schoolers taught me.  I could keep the table for hours.  Well, at least one hour.

I told Lyle to text or call Andrew to tell Henry

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“Hi”  and that I love him and miss him.  I hope he did.  Lyle sounded happy. :o)  I was surprised that he called.  I love him.  Of course, I love all my kids.  I told Lyle to tell Andrew also.  I miss Aurora [my daughter Audrey’s daughter, my first grandchild]

Goin’ ta git sum shut eye neow,  In love, Jalie

P.S. last name Sturgeon.  Don’t mess with the “S”.  Love Superman, love Batman but Superman will always win in a fight – don’t know about in love. [drew a picture here, looks like a cat] <—-I have no idea! A cat?  Goodnight, nurse!

Monday March 14th, 2016

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Dear Ellen,

Went to women’s group.  I- We talked about sleeping and sleeping problems and habits. [Ironically, that is an issue at this time for me Oct. 2020. been staying up way late and getting up early]

When I couldn’t get to sleep I would sing and count the ABC’s.  A1, B2, C3, D4 , E5, F6 , G7, H8, I9, J10, K11, L12, M13, N14, O15, P16,…Q17, R18, S19, T20, U21, V22, W23, X24, Y25, Z26.

I sing and count my ABC’s, next time sing and count with me.

OR I would think about getting up and cleaning house.  Then I’d go right to sleep.

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I’m getting anxious about paper work I need filled about by doctor and supervisor. {at work]

I decorated the shelving unit today with my collage with you and some pictures I colored.  Off to see and eat the lunch.  In love, Jalie

Dear Ellen,

Sometimes I don’t get the punch lines of jokes.  One time I told a joke and there was a pun within the joke but I didn’t realize it until the next day.

Tuesday March 15th, 2016

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Dear Ellen,

Wow.  I got the date wrong yesterday.  Now I have to go back and correct the dates I put at the top of every page.  Okay,  it wasn’t as bad as I thought.  Just one or two corrections.

My bed is made.  My American Flag sweater is draped across my chair.

I made a joke that no one thought was funny.  Maybe I need to preempt with, when I eat, a lot of times I end up with food on my shirt.  So I said, “Oh my! If I stain this sweater, I’m going to have to burn it!”

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No?  Not funny….?

Anyway…..

I have my third roommate since I’ve been here 5? days.  Yes, 5 days.  Since Thursday March 10th, 2016.  Is it me?  Ha ha, no.

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Dear Ellen,

This journey sure does take a lot of patience.

Did art therapy in women’s group today at 10:30.  She asked us to draw a picture of what our road to recovery looks like.  So I drew a road.  The road gets narrower.  I listed what my plans are and some road blocks that might get in the way. There is also light at the narrow part, spreading down to where I am now shedding light on, the place where I begin.

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I am once again waiting for lunch.  I hope they have cookies.  And I can do impressions of Cookie Monster and Grover.  Tell me something.

Wednesday March 16th, 2016

It is difficult to keep track of time here.  I made two calendars.  Well, one of them was premade,- Angry Birds.  I received a folder to keep papers in.  It’s fancy.  My thoughts are a bit scattered lately.  It’s probably because of the meds.  I’m sure it will get better.  It will take some time to balance out.

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I shared too much info with a couple of ladies here.  Now I am kicking myself for it.  Nothing bad has come of it or anything.   It took till today, to register in my brain after I heard it for prolly the 5th time, “please don’t share.”  Gotta turn this frown upside down- and gently remind myself that we hear when we hear and see when we see.  It’s probably all good.  I shall share no more; I am woman hear me roar, in numbers too big too ignore….[ I am strong!  I am invincible!  I am WOMAN!- I sing that song a lot to myself when I am trying to take the foil off of coffee creamer bottles or the paper lid off of honey bottles.  It works, Ladies!  Try it!]

Anyway….Whoopsie!

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We get to watch a movie tomorrow.  St. Patrick’s Day.  That’s a big party day, right?!  I rarely celebrated that day.  I spent my 21st birthday washing cars for the ABC Club of Indio, CA.[recovery home 1988]  But when I turned 19 in Wyoming, [ the legal drinking age at the time]I went somewhere I’m sure-[probably got drunk and blacked out and that is why i can’t remember]- but right after that I got pregnant.  I got really sick.  I went to see the nurse in the college [ I was going to college in Powell, WY at the time]  She thought maybe I had mono. Close, but nooo.  I had morning sickness.  She asked me if there was any way I could be pregnant [oh the shame]..Any way?  I thought there was only one way.

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I lost 16 pounds, I was so sick. [ I decided to give the baby up for adoption – because I was hardly able to take care of myself and didn’t want to do that to my mom- AND I had had an abortion when I was 17 and said I would never do that again]  I got to choose the parents for that baby girl and they adopted her at birth.[ a real and true gift because they could not have children] That was quite something.  Neither one of us has tried to contact each other. [still true in 2020] That I know of.  I looked for her on FB but I didn’t see her there.  They sent me pictures when she was little.  She is beautiful and athletic.  They, her parents, said she is stubborn, and wondered where that came from as neither of them is stubborn.  Yes?  Hmmmm… that is a mystery, snicker, snicker, covering my mouth, eyes wide in disbelief – whoopsie.

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Still Wed. At 9:45am.  I want to color now.  I’m going to make a small American Flag on a piece of paper. [ever since my daughter Audrey joined the Army National Guard I have been obsessed with the flag and red, white and blue,  I say that it changed me more than her.  I thank people for their service now]

Dear Ellen,

Thursday   I’m being discharged today.  Don’t know were I’m going. Home I guess.  Need to find a residential 30 day [or 28 day]program or intensive outpatient place.

To be continued…next entry is on March 29, 2016  a big gap in time.  Lots to go, stay tuned, and/or I’ll keep you posted if you are interested and enjoying this.  If you made it this far, Thank you!

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