Jalie’s Dear Ellen Diary Part Three

Hello everyone!  Welcome back to another installment of my Dear Ellen Diary.  I hope you have enjoyed it so far.  My email is jstur1@gmail.com.  If you have tried to leave a comment and can’t, then I need to change some settings on my website.  Email me if this is the case, as I just don’t know.  Or I am on Facebook as Jalie Trimmer Sturgeon and you can private message me, as that is how most of you have come to know this exists…by me asking you to read what I have posted so far, so I can get some opinions or questions.  Thank you to those who have taken the time out of your busy schedules to read this.  I appreciate it.  I am pouring my heart and soul into the content on this website.  I am thinking of writing my Random Acts of Interference in separate posts.  Those stories are kind of why I named this website randomjalie.  That and my name is not available as a domain name by itself.

My other website is wordofmouthadnexus.com, or woman.  If you have a business and want it advertised and talked about, that is what it’s for so just let me know.

Anyway……where did I leave off?

I think it was page 41-

March 16, 2016 9:445am….

.Dear Ellen,  I am being discharged today….

Don’t know where I am going.  Home I guess.

Need to find a residential 30 day program or an intensive out patient place. Gotta call my insurance.

Page 42

Tuesday March 29, 2016

Dear Ellen,

There’s a big gap in my entries.  You can take that more than one way…Hah

Anyway….

I am at Providence.

“Upstairs in a room even.”

It’s Tuesday – I got a room late last night.  I got here on Saturday.  And waited on a bed in the ER.

[This is my second time being here, the first was Aug of 2015 when I had severe back pain and was severely depressed.  I had gone to Adventist Hospital, with bullets in my pocket, and the released me with resources on paper.  I went to Providence after that and they took me in and I stayed 11 day.]

My husband reconciled with his lover, my friend. Yay!

No really, besides wanting to die – I do wish them happiness.  No one is going to want me.  I am missing my two front teeth.  Temporary?  I hope so.  I will have to save

Page 43

money for awhile for that to get done.

For now – Maybe it will keep people at bay.

Well, wow, they just came in and took my blood, AGAIN!  I am not fond of needles.  Oh why did I say I wanted pneumonia and flu vaccinations?!  I never get any at all.

So I mentioned my hubby and frienemy got back together?  I wished them happiness.  Why not?

The rest would be just feeling sorry for myself – or feeling

Page 44

angry with a capital “A” at them.

I wasn’t home for Easter with my son.

Easter came too soon.  He is eleven.  We had a great spring break, tho.  I rented a UHaul pick-up truck and we went to Seattle on the spur of the moment.  We saw the Space Needle up close – it was too much to ride up tho.

Maybe next year. :o)

We stayed in nice hotels and one not so nice.  I unfortunately still owe UHaul – I have the money.

I think I will get reimbursed for my stay

Page 45

at Cedar Hills Hospital.  That would be awesome!  $1500 awesome!

Page 45 still

I’m doing okay.  Henry is prolly in school, so he is okay.  Doing what he oughta.

I love you Ellen, my ally. Thanks for being you, always.

I may not get to watch your show – limited TV time here – and I don’t have my cell phone.  Just know, that I’ve always loved YOU!  And you have loved back with your humor, dancing, and shows.

It’s lunchtime! Yay!

Page 46

Tues. MARCH 29, 2016

4:30pm

Dear Ellen,

I got to see, talk to, and hug Debbie, the nurse I liked last time I was here in Aug. 2015.  She said it was good to see me and sad to see me …yeaah

Anyway….

I want to fix with food and can’t.  I have to wait for dinner.  I could exercise.  Lift my own weight and do dips and/or push ups.  Walk the hallways briskly.  I do need to walk.  My back hurts.

[ a little note here: When I took myself to the Emergency Room the first time in August of 2015, I had been talking with a counselor at the time, still high, and she didn’t know, so it wasn’t doing me much good, I had been told by a UPS supervisor that we had EAP because I had shown up to work drunk.  She took me aside to tell me this instead of getting me into trouble.  My husband and I had just stopped drinking poppy tea, which is basically what heroin is made from, and they used to sell poppy pods at Michaels craft store and on eBay.  Someone got wise to what was going on,(so we were not the only ones doing this) and they made them stop selling them on eBay.  So we were forced to quit.  I did not think I could handle the withdrawals because we had been drinking it since before or around 2007, so I got a bottle of Everclear on the way to work and drank as much as I could before I got there.  I may have done this a few days in a row.  I was Mr. Hyde suddenly and could not hide it very well, I got real talkative and goofy in front of my close coworkers…so that’s how I quit heroin.  My Real Point here, and I DID HAVE ONE, was that When I went to the ER I could barely walk, my back hurt so badly.  Sciatica or something…they asked, Why are you here?  I said openly, My back hurts and then covered my mouth and turned my head away and said, I’m depressed as quietly as I could..  You just don’t admit to being depressed in my family.  Lots of shame connected to that.]

[I had been thinking about jumping off one of the bridges in Portland for days, maybe even weeks before this.  I had told my husband this but he did not really care or did not know what to do anyway, we also had a gun in the closet.. I found some bullets and put them in my pocket.  I carried them around in my pocket.  When my back hurt so much I could not stand it anymore(and I have a HIGH TOLERANCE to pain, gave birth 3 times with absolutely no drugs whatsoever)I went to Adventist Hospital when I was going thru this and I expected them to keep me, I had bullets in my pocket for cripes sake and I knew where the gun was(or so I thought, I learned later Dino must have had a feeling, and locked it in the safe and I had forgotten the combo; –  This hospital took me back and talked to me for maybe 5 or 10 minutes, gave  me some papers and said I could go now…GO?!  GO WHERE?!  Yes.  Social worker said she talked to you and gave you some resources on some paper..I was so mad.  Incredulous.  The security guys asked me if I wanted my bullets back!  I was so mad and confused and mad.  I said NO I DON’T WANT MY BULLETS BACK!  Then I thought I should have gotten them back and showed them why I was there.  I stood on their parking structure for a long, long time and wondered if it was high enough, or if I would just end up regretting it. I also thought about walking to Mt. Hood and dying of hypothermia.

Then I remembered how our drug dealer said he hated Adventist.  So I walked/ hobbled back over to the MAX train and rode a bit further down the way to Providence Hospital.  They took me in right away, seeing the hospital band on my wrist from Adventist and I stayed ELEVEN days.  My husband came to visit me tho, I know he didn’t want to and he was high while there.  And he called my BEST FRIEND and told her I was crazy. She never spoke with him again after this, tho I only learned of that this year(Oct. 2020) Something he would also tell my kids.  Hmmmm…yes yes I am working on these resentments and know that I have a forgiveness problem.]

Anyway…AGAIN.

My back hurts.

I like my nurse, Monica.  She just got here.  Well, at 3:00- I just saw her tho.  I like the way she talks.

Page 47

I might tell Debbie that I want to be on your show.  To show my gratitude, hopefully I am unique in my writing a book to you.  Being candid.  I think I will tell the doctor or someone that I am Bisexual.  Maybe I am lesbian.  The only type of dude I would want is a bodybuilder – maybe a musician…Maybe he would have to be both.  A woman on the other hand, prolly just has to like me.

I just got a pneumonia vaccine – yep I changed

Page 48

the subject.  I faced this issue once.  Thought I settled it – didn’t matter because I married a man.  But he is out of the picture.  I am free.  He is happy.  I deserve to be happy  But I am missing teeth.  Line from Pitch Perfect, “Well, you saw me naked, so..”  Something like that.  I wish I could watch that now.  I hear others watching TV- a game

[at this point, I have to get up and take a break, I am sitting here falling asleep, my MO for escaping]

No, I don’t know what kind of game.  I just want to draw or write to you.

There is a woman that works here, Meghan.  I think she is super cute.

Page 49

It’s baby crush.  And no woman will want me I am in here.

Maybe I should- – forgot what I was going to say.

Maybe I should get outta here and start my life over!

Social worker gave me names and addresses of Oxford Houses.

I need computer time to deal with the IRS.  I owe $1000 and don’t want them to take my state tax return.  So I am going to set up a payment plan, hopefully.

Gee, one day here.

Page 50

I am going to have to finish my 20th year at UPS.  I think about driving for them.  I am older and wiser than I was 20 years ago.  Maybe…It is good money – I could do it for a few years.  Save money, retire.  Travel.  Take Henry with me.

That was an adventure we took.  High fiving one another and saying, “No fear!”

He isn’t too fond of my husband, since everything went down.

I am so hungry.

Page 51

If I were to love a woman, my first choice would be you.  I’m not afraid to say it.  The ones who truly love me, already know and accept me, as I am.  It’s generally me who is hard on me.

I am learning not to fear, fear.  Not to fear me. Not to fear other people.  Maybe one day….NO

One day I will be of service to others.  I don’t know in what capacity yet.  Nurse.  Mental Health Tech.  Alcohol and Drug Counselor, Computer Software… who know?   Cleaning houses – a live in house keeper, – I’d

Page 52

like that.  A live in housekeeper.  In LA for someone famous.

Why Not?!

Henry and I talked about moving to LA.

Its a lot bigger than Portland and Seattle.

Seattle was cool tho.  Maybe I could transfer to one of these places and take Henry with.

I like getting my thoughts out here.

Thank you for allowing that.

I took 2 Vistaril earlier.  I feel a lot less anxious.  I was

Page 53

going to try something else.  I wonder if I am an addict.  Alcoholic maybe.  I should not drink.  At least, I should not drink sometimes, for certain reasons. [hah, a little bit of denial going on here]

I need a place to go.  I want to go to Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation, place.

I relapsed by taking a lot of Zyprexa, four or five maybe.  I feel like hurting  [did not finish writing this sentence]

Wed March 30, 2016

Dear Ellen,

I wonder if this is a thing or if I made it up —->

Page 54

Santa Clause Stress or Santa Cause Stress

I don’t know.

I need a shower.

I need computer time.

Dear Ellen,

It’s after dinner time.  I just admitted to my nurse Bridgette, that I was feeling like and having thoughts of hurting myself.  That was definitely tough.  I don’t think I’ve

Page 55

ever admitted to having that desire.  Not before I actually did something.  I gave her my bristle brush to put away.  Sounds funny – but – if I was alone on the sidewalk at night on NE Alberta St. in Portland and wasn’t carrying a knife – I would use “Woody” my brush as a weapon.

So the solution – I am sitting in the sensory room on a big kind of too empty bean bag chair, listening to Tibetan music – it’s mostly flute, and writing to you.  I feel exposed, vulnerable.  I brought a coupe of books in here with me.  The only two books

Page 56

I’ve been carrying around with me for a month now.  Circle of Stones: Woman’s Journey to Herself by Judith Duerk

AND

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up by  Theresa Caputo.

I am married but separated.  Sounds weird.  I am trying to get that idea thru my head.

I need to move on.  I have no money tho.  Hopefully, I will get a paycheck

Page 57

next week.  It is always so difficult for me to get a once page form with 3 parts, A, B and C filled out and faxed in.

Also, I have just taken medication – the nurse asked if I wanted to try medication first.  Double whammy – Zyprexa and 2 Vistaril.

I have been doing ok.  Maybe since things are starting to settle down, reality is also starting to sink in.

I had so many plans for the tax money I got. A car, an apartment, furniture, teeth fixed, – but no, it’s gone.

Page 58

Maybe I will get reimbursed for the Cedar Hills stay by the insurance company. Hopefully, I will get into the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation.

If I could get computer time, I could set up payments to the IRS and then they wouldn’t take the $700 State Income Tax return money.  At least I remembered to tell the doctor I need PC time.

I am sitting on a dark beige – light grayish brown bean bag with – purple bolt thingys and I am wearing greenish scrubs

Page 59

and socks & Theresa Caputo’s Book is Lilac.  It seems like a selfie moment – let’s don’t but say I did. Hah!

Hey, my sense of humor is back somewhat.

I shouldn’t be here.  I should be at Hazelden.  Hopefully, that will pan out.

So I wonder what this medication is feeling like – I’ll prolly have to move to find out.  I do feel better.  Still feel a bit lonely.  Which I thought I’d never feel. [I actually remember feeling lonely in my marriage, so that’s not true]

Beside jumping off a bridge, I used to

Page 60

I am going to stop here.  I will continue this next week.  Hopefully, I have kept your attention this far.  Thank you for reading and I will post Part 4  soon.

I cannot type anymore as I have to go get my son from his dad’s and will have no access to his pc all week while he does school and plays games. So please forgive any typos.

Leave a Comment