December 6, 2020 3am
As with many of the things I type up here, the brackets [ ] mean it is something I have added to clarify with or comment on.
I have found some writing similar to the Thoughts On Paper content. It starts out with me explaining that I awoke early in the morning with things on my mind. And at that time, I usually did most of my deep or introspective thinking at night, which caused insomnia. I did a lot of things including sing and count the ABC’s, to get to sleep. That took several weeks of practice in my head at night to perfect. I don’t know if it ever helped me fall asleep. I can tell you I remember having the thought, that if I can’t sleep, I might as well get up and clean. That conked me out every time.
I skimmed thru these 7 Pages of Writing After Awaking Early in the Morning and the sad part about it is, I don’t think I have the last page or who knows how many more pages there are to it. But I say a lot in 7 pages so it’s fine.
I’d have to guess at the year. Maybe it’s before Henry was born in 2004. As I type it up, maybe I will get some clues to the time around in which I wrote this.<— I hate it when people talk like that, (like on YouTube)what I just wrote. So I am going to rewrite that. –>Hopefully, there will be some clues that point to the time that I wrote down these thoughts, that I judged important enough to write down and keep all these years.
Here are two more things I am tired of hearing on YouTube,
“So without further ado” and “Having said that”
Having said all that and without further ado, here are Seven Found Pages of Writing After Having Awoken Early In the Morning.
I awoke early in the morning with words flying around in my head. At the risk of waking the rest of the household, I rose to write a letter to my friends.
I am not sure exactly why. It’s not like me. Usually I start thinking at night. I guess I felt compelled to share a story. And being willing to share honestly can only come from a sense of self-esteem. That is what my story is about; Self Love.
Unless I experienced self-love as a child and don’t recall, I have never loved myself. I see clearly all the symptoms of self rejection. As a child, shyness, timidness, fear, jealousy, ; As a teenager, overcompensation, looking outward, suicidal, promiscuity, dishonesty, close mindedness, secrecy, – oh the secrecy. It nearly killed me.
I’d find a friend to confide in. Usually an older woman who would try to point me in the right direction. Teaching about love, life, God. But life kept teaching me about the temporary. Each of the teachers would soon leave my life completely. Not ever getting the lesson or the answer to the question of life, I’d still feel alone, sad, empty and would withdraw.
Certain things would come along temporarily, now and again and
get me out of my little shell. Music, college, alcohol, friends, even religion. But not having the right tools for living, I’d retreat into the dark. I loved the dark. It gave me comfort and a sense of mystery.
Drinking alcohol lasted much longer than advice, teaching, philosophy, friends, music, and faith in God. It got me into all kinds of trouble. It also led me down a different path into a whole new life. Instead of jails, institutions or death, somehow, I chose recovery and abstinence. I went to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. For a long time I still hated myself and everyone else, including God.
I thought I’d find the answer to my many problems. Peace, all I need is peace. All I need to do is get rid of this rage inside me and my life will be smooth and somewhat hilly instead of cloud reaching mountains and hell reaching valleys. The temporary was still trying to bash into my head, like the brick wall I was bashing my head against. Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
Easy does it. Live and let live.
Think, think, think, Or Don’t Think. The Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Acceptance is the key to all my problems today. God, if I can’t have what I want, help me to want what I have today. There must be as many slogans and cliches as there are people. I’d think, if I could just “get” ONE down, life would change. I’d be OK. I’d fit into my own skin.
Then I met Dino. He gave me my first affirmation. “God in me, now frees me, from all attachment to people, places, and things, in my past and in my present. God or Christ or Truth is my releasing power now.
Then he gave me authors and books. Loving Relationships by Sondra Ray, You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. I have filled notebooks with affirmations. I learned that thoughts are creative. I’m no longer a victim. I had tools to change my life. I knew powerlessness from AA- and God a little and was enlightened now. I had life down. I started liking myself more, rejecting myself less – I’m happy on this roller coaster ride.
Here came my friend temporary.
I drank and used again. Hate, guilt, shame, filled my being. I forgot who I’m and where I’m going. But I got out the map to the maze and started over.
I had wonderful teachers in my life at this point. They never took credit for their miracles. Nancy, Jean, Danny, Helen, Dino, Elaine Davis and so many others it could fill a book. These were AA people. – Then I went to church again. A church unlike any I had ever been to. I had heard some of my AA friends were going, which was unusual; for many people in AA just coming into their own concept of God was a struggle. From what I heard, this church talked about how our thoughts create. So a very close and dear friend and co-worker, Linda, and I, decided to try this church. Dr. Tom Costa, the minister was very inspirational and energetic and healthy for being in his seventies.
We decided to take the class Science of Mind, of the Religious Science Church of the Desert. The first class Dr. Tom greeted each of us at the door. He asked my name once, which everyone in my life has either forgotten, needed repeating,
mispronounced and/or misspelled.
I thought nothing of it until I raised my hand to ask a question and he said, “Yes, Jalie.”, perfectly. [I feel like crying thinking about it now]. I said, “You remembered and said my name right”, astounded and astonished. Well, he remembered everyone’s name. That’s what he does – he has recalled a hundred people’s names after only seeing them and hearing them once. His demonstration blew away all stereotypes. I was being challenged and I was happy and changing. I kind of got that the only thing constant in life is change.
I didn’t finish the class. My friend Linda did though, and she took more classes.
I knew how to do Spiritual Mind Treatment and I used it and it worked.
Then we moved. But before that, I had made myself scarce without really knowing why but making guesses and giving these explanations to my friends. Letting go and saying goodbye is difficult and this time I’m the one leaving. I lost my brother John to AIDS in February 1993 and had Lyle John in May of ’93 and we moved a year after that.
I’ve lived what I think is a lot of life in a short time – molestation, sexual harassment, getting drunk a lot, being promiscuous, getting pregnant, having an abortion at 17,[which I vowed to never do again and why I gave a baby up for adoption, that’s another story]
going to college…got drunk, smoked pot, tried cocaine and got pregnant in the same night, quit college, moved to Wisconsin, moved back to Wyoming, moved to California, gave the baby up for adoption at 19, – got a job- started addictions again, was very confused about sexual preference, moved out on my own for a very short time,- moved into a recovery home, – moved out and moved in with Dino, moved out, got pregnant, got married, got pregnant again, brother died, moved, got pregnant and got mean and unhappy and into self rejection again.[Looking back, I wonder if I had postpartum depression, because I had come a long way and was pretty happy by this time, and that was not talked about back then, and of course I just blamed myself and the guilt and shame made everything worse]
I realized I needed to change something, to fix myself, and would obsess about different things, thinking they would fix me,
insert 12/06/2020 3:47am
[Dino used to ask me a bad question, now that I look back, he would say, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!” of course that helped nothing and made it all worse because I started believing there WAS something wrong with me, that I’m broken somehow, and after all that work I had done on myself and the steps I had taken to be happy- moving to a new city and having ZERO support system was bad idea- yeah… say that with a Russian accent, I don’t care if I am not politically correct]
nutrition, exercise, self-improvement books, yoga, Aikido…something has to fix me. Dino pointed out that I’m searching from the standpoint that I’m broken and I’m not.
I am so tired, literally and tired of hating and rejecting myself and thinking outside things might fix me or thinking
that I need fixed at all. Fixing is so temporary.
I started listening to Dr. Tom’s tapes. Life Isn’t Fair and The Thing Itself and The Way It Works.
I realized again that I am not a victim and I need to change my thoughts. But which thoughts? Where do I start?
The only thing I can truly change is myself. I start with myself. There are so many things that needed changing. What is making me so incredibly unhappy that I don’t want to even wake up? The way I feel about myself is draining all my energy. I need to love myself. I got out a book that I bought at a yard sale and never touched again until a couple of days ago called Self – Love by Robert H. Schuller. He says the basic driving force in life isn’t for survival, pleasure, power, meaning, or creativity, but that self-love is the ultimate will of man. I believe him.
[side note: WOW. It really feels like I am reading all of this for the first time and I can’t believe I wrote it. It has been that long ago. I just stuck my face in my hands and rubbed. And almost cried. Am I back at the beginning? Maybe life in this sense isn’t and episode and has no beginning or end.]
Until I love myself, I cannot love others or even God. Because not loving one’s self is to deny God.
Dino told me once to picture a line of all the people I knew and God and myself. Then he asked me where I’m at in this line. I said at the end. I put myself at the end of my own line. God should be at the front of my line and then me OR I am facing God at the head of my line.
This is the end of Page 7, but I am going to add a bit to finish this.
Sporadically, I began moving up in my line. He would ask me periodically where I’m at in my line. I remember answering in the middle or not at the very end anymore.
But there was that one time he asked me… I said, “I’m at the FRONT!” and I burst into tears and started bawling. That was a bonofide break through. Bit by bit I began getting to know myself. That was a major part of the problem. I did not know myself. I figured this out in a strange kind of way. I was watching When Harry Met Sally and the scene where she orders food made my jaw drop. I am going to quote it here. I just watched the scene on YouTube and would you know, it was not that big of deal. But at the time and not seeming to have even one preference myself, like I said, my jaw dropped. Plus, I think I more closely related to the waitress and it just seemed over the top. Harry even gives her a look afterward. If you know yourself, you are able to love yourself. If you don’t know someone, how are you going to love them? And I don’t mean personally know them, either. Because celebrities are not known personally by their fans but they are still loved by their fans because their fans think they know them. Well, they know something of them.
Here is the Sally quote from the movie, When Harry Met Sally,
First, Harry orders the number 3. Easy peasy, short and sweet. Then Sally (Meg Ryan) says, “I would like the Chef Salad, please, with oil and vinegar on the side. And the apple pie a la mode. But I’d like the pie heated and I don’t want the ice cream on top. I want it on the side and I’d like Strawberry instead of Vanilla, if you have it, but if not, then no ice cream, just whipped cream, but only if it’s real. If it’s out of a can, then nothing.”
Then the waitress asks, “Not even the pie?”
And Sally says, “No, just the pie, but then not heated.”
I just remember being in awe of all those words she said, and that she had such preferences and could put them all into words. Out loud. In public. To the waitress. I would have ordered how he did or just exactly what she ordered by saying, I’ll have the same. Because that’s what I did. I had no preferences. I didn’t really know what I liked or didn’t like. And if I tried to decide, I took too long and got made of fun of. Well, I took EVERYTHING personally back then before I knew any better and cared so very much about what other people thought of me. Somehow, I was raised to question, “What would the neighbors think?” if they knew blah, blah, blah.
Well, this was an interesting journey back in time for me. I am happy to say, one at a time, I began having preferences of my own. I don’t fully know myself. Does that ever fully happen? Aren’t we all changing all the time?
I have written over 120 inspirational, one liner quotes, cliches, phrases to help move you up in your line, to help you love yourself, to give you tools for living. I am going to have to type them up; and I’m thinking of making it digital for people to receive for free somehow.
Thank you for reading.
I hope it gives hope. My goal is to share my experience, strength and hope. And read yours as well, in the comments.
Thank you for your valuable time.
PS Btw, I just had to look up one other restaurant scene in that movie. Yes, where she fakes it, and a woman patron says, “I’ll have what she’s having” and points to Sally. SO FUNNY!
Guess what came up after that movie scene? Uptown Girls with Brittany Murphy RIP and Dakota Fanning.
The guy she wants is talkiing about being newly sober and mentions The Law of Contrary Behavior. Do the opposite of what your brain is telling you to do. Mark Lundholm ( a clean and sober comedian that came to Newberg and Hazelden Treatment Center, that Henry and I had the pleasure of watching and meeting) calls it First Thought Wrong.
They suggest things like not getting into a romantic relationship for the first year. This time around I followed that rule. I did however, date myself. I took myself to movies and dinner. I got a tattoo to mark the first year of my new sobriety.
They tell you to put on your pants with the leg you don’t normally start with. I didn’t know it had a name until I really paid attention to the beginning of this movie. You CAN learn things from movies after all.
I am out of my comfort zone making websites and posting content also.
I hope you stick with me and continue reading my content. Don’t be afraid to leave comments. Please and thank you!